14 comments on “Not The Victim

  1. I disagree with this completely. Something bad was done to you (it didn’t just happen), then you are a victim. Ok so what? Why is being a victim something to be ashamed of? Why are you shaming people into trying to shake off the label? There is NOTHING dishonourable about being someone’s victim, it is never the victims fault that’s what it means to be a victim.

    It’s got absolutely nothing to do with doing good things in your life or having positive results. Victims move mountains to save others from the same fate, to bring awareness to perpetrators of the harm they do, to help other victims heal. They do marvellous things not because they’re not victims, because they ARE.

    It would be better to say NOT A PERPETRATOR anymore. Moving on from being a person who hurts people and harms people, now that would be something to leave behind. I’ll always be a victim of what was done to me, it will always affect me in good ways and bad. I’m not ashamed of that label because it was not my fault. Your post makes it sound like it is.


    • I, in no way, am shaming people for being the victim. I am trying to make people realize they do not have to continue to be the victim. By continue to be the victim you empower the predator that much more. In the situation such as rape the predator preys on the control. If you continue to live as the victim you give them that power.

      Why would anyone ever want to continue to give those who have hurt them the satisfaction of knowing they are continuing to have an impact in your life? I was a victim for years and when the day came for me to Acknowledge it and Accept it I have honestly been able to Achieve so much in my life. I know far too many people who hold themselves back from LIFE because of what happened to them. I just refuse to live my life that way.

      I do however appreciate your feedback and your views on this. I know I am not going to have everyone’s approval and your feedback may help those that am not able to.

      Thank you,



      • Acknowledging and accepting and doing something positive with your life doesn’t make you not a victim. You’re saying it like its a dirty word we should stop being.


      • That is not the case at all…But if you continue to live your life with what someone did to you as you are still their victim then you are not living your life as yourself. You are being held back because that person took something from you. A lot of people continue the cycle and refuse to acknowledge it and accept that it something that “happened” to them. It is no longer happening and as such you should not live your life as if it were or if you are only someone else’s victim.

        I know I am not going to change your mind on this. I have my way that worked for me. I am sure you have your way that worked for you. I do appreciate hearing other people views.


      • Oh I do realise you don’t mean to sound like I’ve described, and I’m sure you don’t to people who have the same views as you. But you sound different to me and others like me. It’s worth speaking up so you know it isn’t a positive or encouraging message to us. It’s quite the opposite. I’m not trying to change your mind, if you feel better then you’ll always thing that’s the truth. I’m just pointing out how others feel.


      • By writing this Post I knew I would not hit home to everyone. I myself was abused and “victimized” for many years actually. I chose to not live my life in the shadow of that negative time in my life. I grew from that experience and I have used that energy to help many of other people to become strong and not continue to live there life in that negative time of their lives. We all have our ways of dealing with things in our lives.

        If I were to write a Post on how much I love Red Meat and how it made me feel great to eat a big juicy steak from time to time…I would get messages from vegans on how bad that was for me. We all live our lives a certain way and all we can do is share what we know. I know this philosophy has worked for me and many of others I have shared it with.

        We will have to agree to disagree on this one.


      • I’m not saying it’s bad for you. Just that it’s bad for us to feel we have to do the same. Moving on isn’t a choice if you’re hurt badly enough, like walking isn’t a choice if you’re a paraplegic. Glad you’re happy, but it’s not a healthy message for victims generally.


      • Again, we will have to agree to disagree. I have had many of women and men benefit from this way of thinking they live amazing lives now that they have lived in the positive and released all the energy of their pasts.


      • They clearly were not hurt that much then. Just like its good to encourage waking in a healed broken leg even though it will never be as strong. But you can’t tell that to someone with a spinal injury.


      • That is not true…Their lives will never be what it would be but those that end up doing amazing miraculous things after becoming paraplegic do not sit back and think negatively about what happen to them but they focus on what that are now going to do to be the greatest person in their situation.

        People play sports with missing limbs and in wheelchairs in some cases. Those people are able to do that because they refuse to allow their past to be a total limitation. Some who continue to live in the past and the negative use that as an excuse to not move forward and sit around blaming their past for their ability to live in the future. I am against that. You live your life with what you have in the moment and make your future great by looking towards it not behind you.


      • I think your post is the equivalent of telling a paraplegic “just get up and walk damn you”. I do a ton of positive things. I volunteer, I am a great mother, I look after my friends. And all while I’m being a victim. Because the thing about being a victim is you get no say.


      • And I disagree that victims have no power. After the event, the victim has ALL the power. Moral power. Apart from my ingrained law-abiding trait, one reason I’ve never ever been tempted to lash physically at the sociopath who had an affair with my husband- because that would make her a victim, she would then have power over me, she would get sympathy and support. She doesn’t deserve that. I’m not going to give her THAT power.

        I think you’re doing a disservice to the word victim. What you mean is that we need to do something positive instead of only being beaten by it. But I don’t like that message either because it doesn’t take into account that some people are more harmed than others.

        If the injuries are bad enough then simply living IS an achievement. We wouldn’t say to someone who was a paraplegic “stop being a victim, get up and walk”. We know there are limitations and things they will never do now because they are a victim. And they shouldn’t be chastised for that.

        Why isn’t it the same with emotional injuries? Because we can’t see them we think they’re not as permanent or serious as a transected spine?

        If I meet someone who is unable to function normally after emotional trauma I don’t think “what a victim, they should…” I think “wow that really hurt them.”

        Also you seem to have an implicit time limit on when victims are supposed to be back better than ever. But we don’t have one. It might take 20 years to be where you think they should be, that’s their right. It is what it is. That’s accepting what was done to you. Accepting that it takes as long as it takes. And some things will never come back, like the feeling in your legs.


  2. Nephila, you don’t realize it, but your rant on this page perfectly exhibits what the author was trying to say. Holding on to being a victim is what makes you so bitter and unable to heal. There is something seriously unstable about someone who obsessively trolls blogs and unleashes venom on everyone she interacts with–including the author of this blog, who wrote a really thoughtful piece on what it means to move on.
    Here’s some advice–move on or just get a divorce already. Stop bulldozing everyone in your path.


  3. Wow! Nephila, while you have had bad things happen to you as most good people have, you need to step back. Realize that if you do not move forward from the things that have wronged you, you will be holding yourself back from experiencing a better life. You can’t be saying poor me on one hand and be moving forward to better things on the other. Wouldn’t it be better to just move on?


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