Self-Help
All posts tagged Self-Help
When you grow up around others that would rather live in victim status rather than surviving their past you easily take on the role of an enabler. You become the one to try daily to empower them to be the best they can be regardless of their past. It is easy to watch yourself cover for these people for their behaviors instead of expecting them to overcome. You think you are doing what is right and what you are supposed to do but unfortunately it can be deadly to an addict for example. Enablers will cover for those they believe can’t defend themselves and in the process they empower them to get worse and worse and not learn to survive. It’s like the saying, ” Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.” If you see yourself enabling those around you then you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself are you really helping them or hurting them? You could be LOVING THEM TO DEATH!
Are you doing what you are meant to do or are you just going through the motions and doing what others tell you that you have to do? So many are ignoring their given talents and just doing what comes easiest instead of extending themselves a bit and being happier and get more out of what they are doing. When are you going to follow you passion and gifts? If you allow yourself to sell yourself short and just get by you will never know exactly what it is you could have become. Never sell yourself short, cause you have unlimited value. Reach for it and make it happen.
Each of us has different likes and dislikes. Some of us love the outdoors and anywhere there are trees and water. Others of us are more into the lights of the big city. Then there are others that would prefer sitting in the peace and quiet of a library. Whatever is your happy place, find it and be sure you are visiting as often as you can to bring happiness to your heart and soul.
Endometriosis is a disease that so many women live with and many not even realizing they have it. They live in pain or discomfort for years not even knowing why. I, myself was recently diagnosed after having unexplained coccyx pain that the doctors kept trying to explain away as being a bruise. It continued to get worse instead of healing and I demanded further tests. After a surgeon met with me and asked if I had ever been diagnosed with Endometriosis I finally had a name that I could start learning more about. Once I started researching I realized that other symptoms I had just thought were typical pain we as women just have to endure with “the curse.” This disease is not easily diagnosed and it is now believed that I have had this for over 20 years and now have Endometrial Hyperplasia. More tests including a Transvaginal Ultrasound and a biopsy of my uterus have been done. I am prepared for anything they find and just happy to know I was not just making this up in my head. I have endured more pain than I should have because I wasn’t aware of this disease but now that I know I want to share my experience so that others can get early diagnosis so they are able to get treatment or at least be sure their doctors take all the possible precautions early.
When will the time come when you say to yourself, “I acknowledge the past, however, I accept my present for what it is. My past will not dictate my future!” The moment you can do this, is the moment you will finally loosen those chains that have held you back. We cannot truly move forward without acknowledging the past. Stop reliving it over and over. Once you learn the lessons you were meant to learn step out of those chains and be free to make the future you truly desire and were meant to live.
There are always going to be those people around that I call the chronic complainers. They have to go against the majority just to stand out and get attention. They would complain if they were to get everything they asked for. They are just starved for attention and they can’t just be satisfied with things as they are. You will not be able to change these people and the best way to handle them is to know that is who they are and just don’t engage or feed their complaints. Unfortunately, these types just carry negativity around with them and if you allow them to, they will bring that negativity to your life as well. Don’t enable them by feeding into their complaining. Just walk away and find a more peaceful situation.
Have you ever thought about why reptiles shed their skin? When the reptile grows it has to shed it’s skin to allow for the growth. We need to learn that as we ourselves grow we need to shed things in order to continue to grow. If we restrict ourselves by keeping these “skins” we will hurt ourselves or lose time by constraining the natural process of life. Let go of things that do not encourage and assist with your grow. If you have things or people in your life that seem to be holding you back you need to evaluate the relationship and determine if it can be “stretched” or do you just need to let it go and allow yourself that space to grow?
We have so much to learn from the stories of others. If you haven’t told yours there is someone out there waiting to hear it. We may believe we are alone and that no one would possibly want to hear our story but in actually there are others going through things that are similar to what we have and they can learn from us. If you are keeping your story secret you are hurting yourself as things that get buried that are still alive will only dig their way out and often won’t be happy for being buried alive. We have so much to learn from each other and learning from others stories can potentially help us to uncover our own.
As a mother of children who genetically inherited mental disorders they didn’t ask for or even deserve, I often feel this guilt for the choices I made. I know their pain as though it were my own even though I try to not enable them just because they are battling. They are strong at the core even though they feel they are victims at times. I often think of it like those who speak of the ghost pain after a limb is amputated, As a mother our children are an extension of ourselves and we do actually feel the pain they go through whether it is real to us or not. We will forever be connected to them but have to accept that they are a separate being and have to be allowed to make their own choices and experience their own failures. Love them but don’t love them to death.
Think of the ups and downs of life like heart beats. Some are stronger than others and during happiness it is different than during sadness but there is still a beat. We need the peaks and valleys or else we flat line. Even though we don’t like the low moments we have to remind ourselves that it is only a moment. Next thing you know life bounces back up and you are on your way up again. This is the heartbeat of life and without it we are dead. Enjoy the beats and blimps.
So many of us build walls in order to protect us from our past. The problem is that this actually can do the opposite and it can prevent us from moving toward our future. These walls that are meant to be made temporary and not allowed to encompass us entirely. All too often those who built these walls get comfortable behind them. They end up becoming trapped behind that which they built to protect them. It is natural to want to never be hurt again after you survive, but by projecting on to the world the acts of specific people or events all you do is close yourself off from the love and good that you should be allowing yourself. Do not allow yourself to remain the victim forever. Allow yourself the time and then be sure to start healing. The longer you build that wall the thicker it will become and the more difficult to tear down.
Why when trauma happens to us do we continue to carry the burden of these acts for a lifetime? Why can’t we acknowledge these acts as what they are, the past and it can’t be changed? The images continue to pop in our heads, we have horrible nightmares, we shut ourselves off from others, and in the worst cases we take our own lives. Why? Why do we insist on carrying the burden of the past? Sometimes this is because we don’t believe we have another option. Other times is because we don’t speak out for fear of having to relive the acts. Let me tell you from my own personal experience, carrying the burden hurts us worse than the acts did. In most cases it tears us down mentally and then our inner voice tries to fight back and get our attention. Then the bad thoughts start setting in. Regardless of the acts and the trauma, it is very important to give your inner voice an outlet. Stop carrying the burden of the past that you cannot possibly change. Speak out and learn the lessons from the past and make sure it never happens again. Maybe you can even save these acts from happening to others because you were able to make others aware of the possibilities. Fight back and stop carrying the burdens of your past.
I have written about my history and the fact that I was molested and then raped when I was young. I have not spoken about how that man stole my soul as it was as a young girl. That very first incident changed my life forever and this man stole that from me. Do we as a society think about this as much as we think about the acts themselves? Innocent souls are stolen by the predators and when they are caught they are given unimaginably short sentences after giving a life sentence to their victims. The victims are shamed and often, like myself, don’t speak out. In my case, I blocked my trauma out for 5 years and during that time had self-hate and harm. I thought about suicide many time and actually attempted, just wanting to go to sleep and stop the inner voice from continuing to tell me horrible things about myself. My inner voice hated that I didn’t get her justice and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t getting help or why I wasn’t making sure the man that stole our innocence got punished. When I finally allowed myself to remember the rape again 5 years after, I promised myself I would never be silent about this again.
As a society, we tell children that sex is bad and that it is not something we talk about. Even this is wrong. We need to stop stigmatizing the act of sex and put the focus on the fact that these people that do these acts to children are predators and need to be given as extreme of consequences as they impose on their victims. These predators steal the souls of their victims and need to be punished as such.
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We hear so often we have to love ourselves so that we can truly love others and be loved by others. What does it mean to love ourselves however? This means you have to accept that you are the person you are meant to be and that there will be people that don’t appreciate who we are but that is not something you need to focus so much on. Be sure that when you find the person you love that you don’t allow others to tell you that it is wrong for you to be who you love. Love is different for each of us but never forget you wake with yourself and you fall asleep with yourself as well. Love You!
This journey from Survivor to Thriver and Then Beyond, is in no way easy but it is truly within reach of each of us. Myself, I am between the Survivor and Thriver Stages and I work every day to take the necessary steps to keep moving more forward that backward. This road is often bumpy and there are many days I just think "Maybe I am good with just being a survivor. Why do I need to thrive anyway and is the beyond really that amazing? I am happy as I am now. Why do I need to keep pushing myself?"
The simple answer to all this is: I am meant to do MORE! My journey hasn't ended so why should I just stop working to achieve the ultimate life I am meant to live? I survived sexual abuse! I survived suicide! I survived a life of negativity. Why? The only logical explaination I can come up with is that I am meant to THRIVE and even more importantly reach BEYOND! I am meant to share my story so that others can survive themselves and know that if I can do it they certainly can. If you have done the work to survive your past regardless of what it held, be sure you are working toward thriving and living this life you have, to it's fullness without regret.
If we all accepted each other's strengths and weaknesses and stopped listening to the negative words that are thrown around, you would learn to enjoy your life much more. Remember if you don't hear the information direct from the source you honestly don't know the truth. Try believing in the positive and ignoring the negative for one week and I promise you your life will change for the better. Love you all!!
When we are born we have no reason to believe anyone or anything is going to hurt us. We trust with everything we know until the time comes when that trust is broken. Once this happens we begin questioning the intentions of things and ultimately others around us. Once trust is lost it is not easy to regain and tough to not project on even those who have never done anything to not trust them. It must be a conscious decision to put our past experiences behind us and to make a conscious effort to not make others pay for the actions of a few. It has to be as though after trust is lost with one person you are “re-born” in a sense and you can’t continue to hold everyone around you responsible for actions of a few. When you realize that once trust is lost it is not only the person who broke that trust you no longer believe it but you ultimately have lost trust for yourself in your judgement. Trust is freeing and as long as you are careful and you listen to your instincts so that you aren’t putting yourself in situations where those who have bad intentions have to access to take advantage, being able to trust is so much healthier than hold on to that negativity of not trusting and thinking everyone is out to harm you.
Is there such a thing as a “Plug n Play Relationship” out there? One where two people have exactly what each other are made for without any modifications at all? I say “NO”, and that is perfectly okay. The problem is that people expect each other to be who they are today and remain that person for the rest of their lives. Or the other happens, and they are upset because they do not “changed” the way they expect them to. We change every single day and unless the two people change in the exact same way at the exact same pace they will never be the same to each other down the road. Then people get upset at each other for not being who they were and that is unreasonable. None of us are the same people we were yesterday much less 10, 20, 50 years from now. You either accept the person each of you have become or you accept that you are not compatible as you once were and you agree to part ways. There is no such thing as the “Plug n Play Relationship” that just continues to fit perfectly over and over. Be okay with that and communicate with each other. The worse thing you can do is hide the fact that your wants and desires have changed over time, or try to be something that someone else wants you to be and then find later you can’t be that. Resentment then sets in and one or both parties feel they have been misled as to who you are. Nothing is Plug n Play so just be yourself and be open with yourself and those around you as to your weaknesses and flaws. Once you are able to acknowledge them you are able to work on them and being open with others will have the opportunity to work with you or decide if they like you only as you are or they want they same thing for you and will help you to grow. Never expect that Plug n Play is what you want, because you have to know things today are not as they will be tomorrow. Be ready to adapt and there may not be an adapter for everyone in your life when change happens.
Your life is like a business! You should be working at it every single day and those in your life should be helping you to build the business not to let it fail. Surround yourself with like-minds and be sure you manage your life well! It’s yours to lead and choose who is in it!
There is a huge difference between being alone and loneliness. We all need to be alone from time to time to get to know ourselves. When we spend time in silence with our own thoughts we truly get to know who we are. If you can be content in your own presence then imagine how you are going to be with someone else. The key is to not allow yourself slip into loneliness. Loneliness is when you are alone and all you can think about is how empty you feel. It is not healthy to feel lonely because it can easily transition into depression. The healthy place to be is when you can sit in a room alone and not feel that you are. You are able to sit in silence and enjoy your thoughts and the silence in itself. Strive to be happy alone. If you can’t be alone with yourself why would anyone else want to be. Think about that.
I want to discuss Post Traumatic Stress and how it feels as though our souls have been stolen after a traumatic event. There are of course various levels of Trauma but no one can really say that one level is easier than another. It truly depends on a multitude of variables and it really isn’t anyone’s place to determine how each traumatic event will effect each person. Two people can go through the exact same event at the exact same time and each will process it all differently. No one person has the knowledge or power to determine another persons thoughts or emotions. Everyone of us is unique and need to process things in our own way. For society to tell us we need to just accept something and get over it isn’t realistic in a lot of cases.
I battled with PTSD myself after I was raped at the age of 12. I repressed the incident so that I wouldn’t have to face the truth and continue to relive the act over and over in my nightmares. This is how I dealt with the trauma and it almost killed me as I dealt with suicidal thoughts and attempted, thankfully I failed. The one thing in my life I can honestly say today that I am proud of being a failure at. Those thoughts can really get the better of you and for those not having them you have no way of comprehending what it is like. The only way I can try and describe it would be like this… Have you ever had a recording of something you hated play over and over and you couldn’t get the player to shut off? You feel anxious because you want it to stop but it just continues no matter what you do? It is kind of like that but the voices or images are inside your head and there is no off button to push, or power cord you can pull. Think of it like those battling with those voices and images in their head finally have enough and they make suicide their disconnection from the ultimate power source of life. Typically, they resort to these measures because they believe there is no other way to get them to stop and no one can possibly understand what they are going through. Those battling with memories of a traumatic event, continue to replay that event over and over in their minds because their brain is trying to resolve the issue and can’t change the outcome. They are the star of their own personal thriller movie in their minds and they are often scared to share with anyone for fear that no one will believe them or will believe they are weak.
No matter why, it is wrong that they should be made to feel they are the ones that did anything wrong. They need to be ensured that they are loved and that they will not be judged for the acts of others choices or even their own in some cases. Things that have happened in our past, whether that is yesterday or several years ago, can never be changed or taken back. We have to learn to acknowledge those events and history and accept who we are today. In order for us to overcome our past we have to put it in the past and not allow it to continue to tear us down in our present and definitely not let it hold us back from our future. We are on this journey together and we all need to help one another achieve the future that we were meant to have.
We just can’t please everyone! Ultimately the only person you should be pleasing is yourself. If by pleasing yourself you don’t happen to please others around you in return then that isn’t all your responsibility. If you are being a good person and treating others with respect and are pleasing yourself in the process then it isn’t your job to make everyone else happy. You are and always will have yourself so be sure you are taking care of you. In the end if you please yourself you will attract people with the same goals and desires. You will attract people who want to treat you as you treat yourself and in return how you treat them.
What is it depression? A feeling of loneliness? A feeling of there being no hope and not being able to change what has been done? It is a feeling no one wants but just about everyone has experienced at some level in their life. Some of us have been able to get through it, some of us have not. For a certain percentage of people, it was too much to handle and they cut there life short. For others they are still fighting it. It’s a long battle and some start to feel it’s a war they are losing but they are keeping their head up and thinking positive.
Then there are the strong ones who were able to see the good things in life and pull themselves out of it and move on. They put a smile on their face and said it is staying there no matter what happens. We can all hope we are these lucky ones that can pull themselves out of it. Some things are just too difficult to pull yourself out of for some. Death of someone held close to the heart or the loss of a loved one due to break up or divorce can be things that are just too much to pull yourself out of. Bullying and shame will cause people to do things out of desperation as well.
The key to pulling yourself out is knowing no matter what situation you are in, you have support groups. Some lean towards music, others lean towards their friends. Then there are those that have lost all friend or family support and can’t find happiness in music so what do they lean toward? Counseling or psychiatry is always a good choice. Your counselor and/or psychiatrist should know somewhere that can get you help or they personally may know how to help. The key is do not give up; suicide is never the option. No matter what you may think, your death will affect someone. There is always someone, somewhere that cares about you, whether it is a friend, family, or someone you would never have thought of. DEATH IS NEVER AN OPTION TO FIX DEPRESSION.
Remember your life matters and if you are having suicidal thoughts or know someone who is call your local Suicide Prevention Hotline. There is always someone out there that wants to listen.
We all have to learn to “Clear the Filters” at times just to be sure we are making decisions from and clear space. How do you clear the filters? That is dependent on your needs. Each of us has to have our own process. For me it is getting out in nature and just enjoying peace and quiet with my camera. I call this my Camera Therapy. What do you do to just clear your mind? Think of your mind like a computer and clear that cache regularly so that it doesn’t slow down your processor. If you need to talk to find your process feel free to let me know. I would love to help you with that.
Are you one of those people that always has to make everyone happy even when you hurt yourself at times? You can’t stand seeing others sad so you give anything it takes to make them happy? It is a great thing that you have a big heart and you want to take care of others but there always needs to be a balance. If you are always giving, in time you have nothing left for yourself. In this process you lose yourself and if you lose yourself then how can anyone who cares about you truly be happy. Making you happy first needs to be priority and those who truly care for you will understand. When they don’t is when you need to be stepping back and evaluating things. Are they that unhappy or are they just selfish?
I am a huge component of Constructtive Criticism. There is a difference between Constructive Criticism and Descructive Criticism. The root of those Adjectives tell a lot about the intent of the Criticism. Constructive is exactly that, intent is to build up. Where as Destructive does the exact opposite, it is intended to tear down the one receiving the feedback. Now think about those two words a bit and tell me which would you rather be the recipient of. Personally I am pushing for much more CONSTRUCTION in this world. We need to be building one another up instead of tearing each other down. Choose your words wisely. Maybe even say them to yourself before to others. Listen for yourself how the words make you feel. Do they make you feel like you want to try making the change or do they just make you sad or even angry? Let’s work on building each other up and building a more positive society.
I made a huge break through the other day in my healing. I acknowledged a weakness in myself that I believe is going to help me to truly let go of a little more of my past. I have a pattern of allowing people in my life that control me through manipulation. It is typically people who are insecure with themselves and they find by tearing down my self-confidence they gain power over me, hence in return “holding me down”. I realized this is a metaphor for my past and the way I have programmed myself to survive. This I have realized is all tied back to my rape and the act of being physically “held down” during it. I see that I have learned to accept this behavior out of habit. By now acknowledging this about myself, I truly believe this is the next step I need to continue this path of healing that I am on. I refuse to allow myself to be “held down” by others any longer. I know my worth and I know that I have much to share with this world. I will no longer allow the weakness of others to become my weakness. It is an amazing feeling, when you can start to see things in your life clearly and be able to learn the lessons of our past instead of allowing them to HOLD US DOWN!!
Do you know what your true purpose is? Do you feel there is just something more to your life that you are missing? We all have a purpose and often we lose site of that due to events out of our controls or choices we didn’t realize the ramifications of in the moment!
We all need to, at some point in our lives, and sometimes this take a few times, to dig deep inside ourself to truly learn what it is we are meant to be/do! Take a moment right now and think about what your soul has been wanting but you just keep ignoring!
There comes that time in our lives that we have to spread our wings and become the person we were meant to be. This often results in the loss of people we thought would be there forever. When we grow we don’t all grow together we have to accept that your needs and goals may not be the same as those from your past. During this growth process we learn new things about ourselves and see things in a different light. Unfortunately, some may not agree with your choices and you may not agree with theirs. This is okay, it just means you are both growing and like the branches of the tree of life we go in different directions and often we don’t meet up again the same as we once had.
Sometimes we just feel broken and that is normal. We aren’t always perfect. We can’t be superheroes all the time every day, every minute. We often have to step back and mend our cracks before we are completely disabled. I am broken but not unmendable. I am undestructible but not unbreakable.
Even in a healthy loving relationship there can be moments of weakness. The important thing is open communication between one another. When I say “open communication” I mean, OPEN!! Each of you have to feel safe talking to one another about any thoughts you many have. Often in relationships one partner or the other considers cheating because over time their likes and needs change and they worry if they tell their partner they won’t accept it. Insecurities are a strong emotion and it can hurt a relationship without either partner knowing the other is dealing with it. If we truly love and accept one another we should be open to each others fantasies as well. Make sure your partner knows that you love them and you won’t judge them. I recommend that you open the communication that allows each other to feel they can voice your individual fantasies as though you were cheating with your partner. Talk openly with them as if they were a stranger at times and you are telling them things they never knew. Strangely at times it is the excitement that is needed in someone. If you role play and act as though you are dating for the very first time and that you have to keep it quiet or your partner (who is actually this person of course) will find out. Often people cheat only because they want to feel that excitement of a new relationship or to have someone to just listen to them and give them undivided attention so the feel heard. You may not agree with this thought process but from my experience with married people online, the two common things I hear is that they aren’t connected sexually with their partner (male and female) and that they just can’t communicate and tell them the fantasies they have for fear of them not understanding. As I said, Cheat with your Partner and allow them to tell you their inner fantasies no matter how intense. If you two can’t discuss these things and come to a common agreement how can you have passion and true connection. Get out there and Cheat With Your Partner and Be each other’s fantasies!
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Something I have learned about myself is that after I go through stressful times, I have to make sure I take personal time out and recharge my batteries or I can spin into a depressed state. I think most of us do this but being able to identify this in ourselves and take action is the key. Putting ourselves first and taking care of our own needs has to be priority. If you let yourself get worn down you are no good to yourself or anyone else. Make sure you are taking care of you today and recharging those internal batteries as needed. You are the Only YOU that You have!! HUGS
Don’t complain about something if you aren’t going to do everything you can to make it better. If you continuously complain about the same things and don’t take the steps to try anything available to correct the problem then it’s not the problem that is the problem, it’s you!! Stop saying you don’t like something about yourself or your surroundings unless you have tried everything to make them different. It is easy to just complain about things we don’t like but it take real strength to take a stand and decide we are going to make a change and search out all possible ways to fix the problem. Don’t give up until you have really tried everything you possibly can to change the problem on your own and then start asking for help. Nothing is impossible if you truly search for the answers. Never give up on what you truly want or need in your life!
What an amazing thing to be able to say is “I am a Survivor, Not the Victim,” of a horrible event or in some cases series of events. When we choose to be a survivor and not the victim we empower ourselves to overcome the shame or emotional pain that will prevent us from growing. Being a survivor indicates that regardless of what happen previously you will not be held back from what you believe you were meant to do in your future! Never allow your past to hold you back from your positive future just because at one time you were a victim. Remember that being a victim is meant to be a temporary state. A survivor is forever!
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False Emotions Appearing Real…Anxiety starts with fear. It is an overwhelming emotion that some aren’t able to totally understand. The first big step to overcoming anxiety is addressing your fears and acknowledging the fact that they are exactly as the acronym defines…False Emotions Appearing Real!
We are not born with fear. FEAR grows as we get older and have experiences.
Do you know people around you with these traits on a regular basis? We all do and when working to live a positive life if can test us everyday and we may actually question ourselves at times. Just know this is their personalities to manage not yours. Be sure to identify these people in your lives and don’t allow them to define you. These people tend to make us feel we are the negative ones and the ones with the problem, hence the projection so they don’t have to face their own faults. Once you recognize this you will be able to stop enabling them and finding positivity within yourself.
People come in and out of our lives and some even return then may leave again. It is life and you need to acknowledge what they were brought to teach you. It doesn’t matter if it was a short time or many years, just appreciate what was received in the time you were given.
Our lives are our own to choose how we live them. If you need to tear others down in order to feel you have succeeded, maybe you need to rethink your choices. Build yourself up without using others as human step stools.
The best things you can do for yourself is to know your worth and not accept less than that. We all have high value and to allow others to treat us like we don’t deserve the best is wrong. Take the time to acknowledge your worth before someone comes along and treats you like an item broke and left on the Clearance Rack at the Discount Store. You are the only one that truly knows you and when you take pride in all you have to offer, you will present yourself accordingly. Then your value goes through the roof. Think Supply and Demand: Confidence and Self- Esteem are attractive qualities and actually rare to truly find. People will give anything to be with someone that knows who they are and what they are worth and will strive to do whatever it takes to become the person worthy of such a person. If they’re not willing to do that, then they aren’t worth your time, in my not so humble opinion. Know your worth and you will attract others who deserve all you have to offer.
HUGS are very important in everyone’s health and growth. Share them whenever you can:
Health
Understanding
Growth
Strength
Think of HUGS as therapy. Even when you don’t know it you can help someone who is battling something you have no knowledge of. HUGS are free and worth more than anyone can possess.
Our weaknesses when embraced can empower us. If you allow your weaknesses too much power they can debilitate you. However, if you own them and embrace them you can learn from them and find out how to empower you instead. We tend to allow our inner critic to tell us that we are weak in certain areas so we don’t even try to overcome them. Embrace your weaknesses, analyze them and find out what you can do to strengthen yourself to potentially overcome them. Never allow it to cause you debilitating anxiety that prevents you from becoming what you are meant to be.
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