As a mother of children who genetically inherited mental disorders they didn’t ask for or even deserve, I often feel this guilt for the choices I made. I know their pain as though it were my own even though I try to not enable them just because they are battling. They are strong at the core even though they feel they are victims at times. I often think of it like those who speak of the ghost pain after a limb is amputated, As a mother our children are an extension of ourselves and we do actually feel the pain they go through whether it is real to us or not. We will forever be connected to them but have to accept that they are a separate being and have to be allowed to make their own choices and experience their own failures. Love them but don’t love them to death.
So many of us build walls in order to protect us from our past. The problem is that this actually can do the opposite and it can prevent us from moving toward our future. These walls that are meant to be made temporary and not allowed to encompass us entirely. All too often those who built these walls get comfortable behind them. They end up becoming trapped behind that which they built to protect them. It is natural to want to never be hurt again after you survive, but by projecting on to the world the acts of specific people or events all you do is close yourself off from the love and good that you should be allowing yourself. Do not allow yourself to remain the victim forever. Allow yourself the time and then be sure to start healing. The longer you build that wall the thicker it will become and the more difficult to tear down.
I have written about my history and the fact that I was molested and then raped when I was young. I have not spoken about how that man stole my soul as it was as a young girl. That very first incident changed my life forever and this man stole that from me. Do we as a society think about this as much as we think about the acts themselves? Innocent souls are stolen by the predators and when they are caught they are given unimaginably short sentences after giving a life sentence to their victims. The victims are shamed and often, like myself, don’t speak out. In my case, I blocked my trauma out for 5 years and during that time had self-hate and harm. I thought about suicide many time and actually attempted, just wanting to go to sleep and stop the inner voice from continuing to tell me horrible things about myself. My inner voice hated that I didn’t get her justice and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t getting help or why I wasn’t making sure the man that stole our innocence got punished. When I finally allowed myself to remember the rape again 5 years after, I promised myself I would never be silent about this again.
As a society, we tell children that sex is bad and that it is not something we talk about. Even this is wrong. We need to stop stigmatizing the act of sex and put the focus on the fact that these people that do these acts to children are predators and need to be given as extreme of consequences as they impose on their victims. These predators steal the souls of their victims and need to be punished as such.