When you grow up around others that would rather live in victim status rather than surviving their past you easily take on the role of an enabler. You become the one to try daily to empower them to be the best they can be regardless of their past. It is easy to watch yourself cover for these people for their behaviors instead of expecting them to overcome. You think you are doing what is right and what you are supposed to do but unfortunately it can be deadly to an addict for example. Enablers will cover for those they believe can’t defend themselves and in the process they empower them to get worse and worse and not learn to survive. It’s like the saying, ” Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.” If you see yourself enabling those around you then you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself are you really helping them or hurting them? You could be LOVING THEM TO DEATH!
There are always going to be those people around that I call the chronic complainers. They have to go against the majority just to stand out and get attention. They would complain if they were to get everything they asked for. They are just starved for attention and they can’t just be satisfied with things as they are. You will not be able to change these people and the best way to handle them is to know that is who they are and just don’t engage or feed their complaints. Unfortunately, these types just carry negativity around with them and if you allow them to, they will bring that negativity to your life as well. Don’t enable them by feeding into their complaining. Just walk away and find a more peaceful situation.
I don’t care what color your skin is, where your parents came from, or how much money is in your bank account. Every single one of us has a purpose in this world. We are one race, HUMAN. Each of us is diverse in our own special way. There is only one YOU. Embrace each others diversity. As I sit here writing this post, sitting no more than 6 feet from me are two gentlemen playing a very intense game of chess. The color of the their skin, their past traumas, or their status makes no difference. They are two diverse human beings enjoying a strategic game. It makes me smile to watch these two men enjoy a quiet night together. Just to think that 100 years ago these two men would not have been allowed to sit in a public place peacefully. It is amazing to me how far we have come yet I know know we have a very long way to go. I truly hope that when my grandchildren are my age they will be able to not even remember the time when our diversity was a bad thing. I want for them to not have to focus on the thought that any of us were better than the other, just that we are different and that is AMAZING!!
As a mother of children who genetically inherited mental disorders they didn’t ask for or even deserve, I often feel this guilt for the choices I made. I know their pain as though it were my own even though I try to not enable them just because they are battling. They are strong at the core even though they feel they are victims at times. I often think of it like those who speak of the ghost pain after a limb is amputated, As a mother our children are an extension of ourselves and we do actually feel the pain they go through whether it is real to us or not. We will forever be connected to them but have to accept that they are a separate being and have to be allowed to make their own choices and experience their own failures. Love them but don’t love them to death.
So many of us build walls in order to protect us from our past. The problem is that this actually can do the opposite and it can prevent us from moving toward our future. These walls that are meant to be made temporary and not allowed to encompass us entirely. All too often those who built these walls get comfortable behind them. They end up becoming trapped behind that which they built to protect them. It is natural to want to never be hurt again after you survive, but by projecting on to the world the acts of specific people or events all you do is close yourself off from the love and good that you should be allowing yourself. Do not allow yourself to remain the victim forever. Allow yourself the time and then be sure to start healing. The longer you build that wall the thicker it will become and the more difficult to tear down.
We hear so often we have to love ourselves so that we can truly love others and be loved by others. What does it mean to love ourselves however? This means you have to accept that you are the person you are meant to be and that there will be people that don’t appreciate who we are but that is not something you need to focus so much on. Be sure that when you find the person you love that you don’t allow others to tell you that it is wrong for you to be who you love. Love is different for each of us but never forget you wake with yourself and you fall asleep with yourself as well. Love You!
This journey from Survivor to Thriver and Then Beyond, is in no way easy but it is truly within reach of each of us. Myself, I am between the Survivor and Thriver Stages and I work every day to take the necessary steps to keep moving more forward that backward. This road is often bumpy and there are many days I just think "Maybe I am good with just being a survivor. Why do I need to thrive anyway and is the beyond really that amazing? I am happy as I am now. Why do I need to keep pushing myself?"
The simple answer to all this is: I am meant to do MORE! My journey hasn't ended so why should I just stop working to achieve the ultimate life I am meant to live? I survived sexual abuse! I survived suicide! I survived a life of negativity. Why? The only logical explaination I can come up with is that I am meant to THRIVE and even more importantly reach BEYOND! I am meant to share my story so that others can survive themselves and know that if I can do it they certainly can. If you have done the work to survive your past regardless of what it held, be sure you are working toward thriving and living this life you have, to it's fullness without regret.
When we are born we have no reason to believe anyone or anything is going to hurt us. We trust with everything we know until the time comes when that trust is broken. Once this happens we begin questioning the intentions of things and ultimately others around us. Once trust is lost it is not easy to regain and tough to not project on even those who have never done anything to not trust them. It must be a conscious decision to put our past experiences behind us and to make a conscious effort to not make others pay for the actions of a few. It has to be as though after trust is lost with one person you are “re-born” in a sense and you can’t continue to hold everyone around you responsible for actions of a few. When you realize that once trust is lost it is not only the person who broke that trust you no longer believe it but you ultimately have lost trust for yourself in your judgement. Trust is freeing and as long as you are careful and you listen to your instincts so that you aren’t putting yourself in situations where those who have bad intentions have to access to take advantage, being able to trust is so much healthier than hold on to that negativity of not trusting and thinking everyone is out to harm you.
Your life is like a business! You should be working at it every single day and those in your life should be helping you to build the business not to let it fail. Surround yourself with like-minds and be sure you manage your life well! It’s yours to lead and choose who is in it!
There is a huge difference between being alone and loneliness. We all need to be alone from time to time to get to know ourselves. When we spend time in silence with our own thoughts we truly get to know who we are. If you can be content in your own presence then imagine how you are going to be with someone else. The key is to not allow yourself slip into loneliness. Loneliness is when you are alone and all you can think about is how empty you feel. It is not healthy to feel lonely because it can easily transition into depression. The healthy place to be is when you can sit in a room alone and not feel that you are. You are able to sit in silence and enjoy your thoughts and the silence in itself. Strive to be happy alone. If you can’t be alone with yourself why would anyone else want to be. Think about that.
Take a minute and look at yourself in the mirror. What feature do you see first? Do you see the good or bad first? Typically on average people will zero in on the things they don’t like about themselves first thing. If this is you, I want you to try something. Before you walk to the mirror think of the parts of yourself that you do like about yourself and tell yourself to focus on that part of you only. Don’t look at any other feature. Now acknowledge what it is about the feature that you are comfortable with. Now you have to think of another feature that you either like or just don’t dislike. Focus immediately on that feature. Repeat the cycle of telling yourself what it is you do like. Now I want you to think of the feature you hate the most about yourself. Go ahead, be real now. What feature do you have that you just hate? Now I want you to stare at that body part. Stare hard at it. Is there anything you can do to change that feature? Anything at all in your immediate power to make it better. I am guessing the answer is no or you would have already done something about it, right? Well I want you to remind yourself that we all have flaws and parts of us we can not change and that we do not like but there are also parts that we do. It is the great balance of life. Accept that you are unique and even your flaws are a gift because they make you different from someone else and that is a positive. If you can’t change it, Embrace it! Every part of you makes you the wonderful person you are and you have to love yourself for all that you are not just pieces of yourself. This will not change overnight but I want you to keep working on this every day. I tell you that you will start to see a difference in how you see yourself in time once you start accepting every part of you for being special to you!
There is a great project I have seen on YouTube by a few different people that has inspired me. This project is The Beautiful Project and it shows how telling others they are beautiful changes them instantly. There is something beautiful in us all but we often can’t see it until someone else points it out. Be that inspiration to someone everyday. Step outside of you comfort zone and appreciate the beauty in a stranger. Go up to someone you don’t know and compliment them on one thing and tell them how beautiful they are. Imagine how amazing this world would be if we all started focusing on the beauty around us and less of the ugly. We all have beauty to share and when it is acknowledged by others it gives us the permission we need to shine. Give those around you the permission they seek to be the amazing beauty they may be hiding or not seeing for themselves…YET!!
False Emotions Appearing Real…Anxiety starts with fear. It is an overwhelming emotion that some aren’t able to totally understand. The first big step to overcoming anxiety is addressing your fears and acknowledging the fact that they are exactly as the acronym defines…False Emotions Appearing Real!
We are not born with fear. FEAR grows as we get older and have experiences.
Take a close look at your life and think about how many times you have actually said, “Well if this one thing wouldn’t have happened in my life I would be far better off now.” Or have you said, “I can’t do something special because my parents didn’t give me the right genetics, financial support, or just any support at all.” We all can take the easy route and blame everyone else for our shortcomings, but you know what? That’s a BS excuse. STOP blaming others and take control of your story. Ultimately, YOU are the creator of your own story, others only supply material. YOU choose how that material will be applied to the story you tell. Do Not allow anyone or anything hold you back from doing that which will give you the best story you can imagine. Again, I say, “STOP Blaming Others…It’s YOUR Story…Tell it!!!!
Ever heard this song on the radio? Brad Paisley talks about being “So much cooler Online!” Describing people that have a real life that they escapes in cyberspace. Describing themselves as the total opposite of who they are in reality. One of the lyrics is “I work down at the pizza pit, and I drive an old Hyundai. I still live with my mom and dad. I’m 5’3 and overweight. I’m a Sci-Fi fanatic, mild asthmatic, never been to second base.” He then goes on to say, “But there’s a whole nother me that you need to see. Go check out MySpace ’cause online I’m out in Hollywood, I’m 6’5 and I look damn good. I drive a Maserati. I’m a black belt in Karate and I love a good glass of wine.” Sadly this song is very true for a lot of people, on both sides of the keyboard. I understand the need for an escape from reality at time but unfortunately it is often at another’s expense when someone goes online to actually meet someone to hopefully build a relationship with. Even though the description is just superficial it is still the image the person is putting in the person’s head and they then start imaging themselves with that image. How do you then meet that person in reality and they are completely opposite of the image. How can this not be something something someone would get upset about? They have been mislead and lied to. Again it is all superficial but the person knew they were mispresenting themselves to be something much different because they weren’t happy with the person they are. Even if the person may like them as they are, they are now stuck with the fact that this person wasn’t confident enough to just be themselves and love who they are.
Just like anyone else my inner critic screams louder than anyone else’s at times. The one thing I have learned is to not always listen to it. I hear it of course, but I choose whether or not I am going to listen. At times our inner critics can hold us back because the unknown scares us, so it is there to try and protect us. There are parts of what is heard that may be true so hearing it can give us the opportunity to think a bit before we do something. You have to be strong enough to learn from the questions inside you and be empowered by all that there is to learn. Take calculated risks and watch them pay off. All I can say is sometimes we have to step outside of our comfort zone order to do something we otherwise could only dream of doing. Our Inner Critic is only as powerful as we allow it to be.
When you are in a relationship and you trust your partner but want to spice things up a bit, you have got to discuss the option of role play with your partner. The level of role play you take on is totally up to the two of you. It must be understood and agreed upon up front that the detail of this time is never to be discussed with anyone but the two of you. This is how trust is built and how freedom is established. Role Play can be used as a way to enhance the intimacy and explore each other’s inner fantasies. It is a time where each of you can find out the thoughts that pass through each other’s minds. Now this means that as women you have to be understanding and accepting of the ideas, but it does not mean you have to participate if you are not both comfortable. The lines of communication must be opened first. You should each sit down together and talk about your basic fantasies to start off with. These are the things you try first to start to build the trust and open the lines of communication. As you both get more and more comfortable you can start to get a little more adventurous, but remember it has to be something that you are both comfortable with before you try it. It has to be a time to bond and explore not just fulfill the other partner’s fantasy. Especially in the beginning. You need to agree and then gradually expand together as you are both comfortable and confident. Role Play is a great tool to use when you get to a point in your relationship when you are taking each other for granted or not taking the time for one another. You can plan a date night to start off with and meet one another at a restaurant, a bar, a park, etc. and meet there as though it is the first meeting and flirt and pick each other up. Make it exciting. Fuel that fire that you should have inside of you, no matter how deep. If you don’t have that you will have to build it. A healthy relationship has fire and passion. Don’t take one another for granted and make sure you tell one another regularly what it is that draws you to them. A person needs to hear the good things and by role playing you are able to show one another what you want and make it fun.
When we start to learn to drive it is usually the straightaways that are easiest to maneuver. It’s when we get experience and confidence, that we are able to take on the curves. It is a bit the same with any curves. If you are confident and know what you can handle, you can maneuver around just about anything or anyone. If all you do is take the easy road you will never truly learn what it is to live. If you don’t take a chance on the curves just think about the amazing things you may never get to witness.
Take a Chance and learn to Manage those Curves!
When you live a Positive Life, it is not Black or White. There are many many shades of Grey. You can’t force everyone to see things exactly the same and say you are living a Positive Life. Positivity is varying shades for each of us. Absolutes create Negativity because that is requiring everyone around us to think exactly the same and that is not positive at all. By opening your heart and mind to all the possibilities you encourage yourself to expand your limits and you are able to see things from other angles that you may have missed previously. Don’t be afraid of change and allow yourself to witness the world from the view of those around you. See the Greys of Positivity and open the doors of possibilities.
This one is for my fellow Control Freaks of the World…We have to STOP trying to Control The World and focus on Controlling Ourselves. By having to be in control at all times we sabotage our futures. We have to learn to let things work out as they are intended and not have to make them happen. I have had some experiences lately that have opened my eyes to this and I may have sabotaged some potentially great things for my future by doing it. All I can do now is take these experiences and learn from them and in return share this knowledge with you. Having the world in the palm of our hand is not the same as controlling it. We need to focus our minds on what it is we truly desire and allow that to happen and not force it to happen. Key here is to “Allow” your future!!
When it comes to relationships I think sometimes we want someone to like us so badly, we become something completely opposite of who we are. Then what we often realize is, we run that person off because we are now not who that person was initially attracted to. Once you cross that line it is very hard to take that back. All we can do is take a step back, look at what has happened and learn from that and say to ourself, “I am me and I need to stop trying so hard to make things happen. You are not always able to control the outcome. Accept that and enjoy the ride. No matter how quick or slow it is.” I hope that by acknowledging the mistake you can resurrect the real you and remember in the future that you can not Control The World…You Can Only Control Yourself!!
Today I write to give you the best update I could have ever imagine writing. My friend Joe got the results of his tests and closure to yet another chapter of his life. I am happy to announce that he has the opportunity to start a new chapter that I truly believe could be his most incredible chapter. He has grown so much during this experience and has truly learned to no longer be the victim of his past and to let go of all that negative energy that can truly fester and become like that Cancer he was battling. I am not saying that it was all Positive thinking or the Power of a good support system and friends/family that care but those things surely gave this man the strengthen and purpose to live and that can never be discounted.
This man was told to get his affairs in order and that he would not live more than 8 months and in 3 months he is now CANCER FREE, and has a new outlook on his life. He has a passion for life and a purpose. This man who just was ready to die and be out of pain is now ready to fight bigger battles and is realizing he was given this chance to do something that will make a difference to so many. I am honored to have been chose to serve with this man during this battle. I now realize my part.
I was brought to him to make him see how the negativity was tearing him apart and that he is the survivor not the victim any longer. When he talked about giving up my mission was to refocus the negative energy and to get him back on target quickly so that he could continued to grow stronger to fight.
We have only started our journey as friends to share this news and to show anyone who will listen that by holding onto negative memories it weakens us and allows us to become susceptible to even more negativity in our lives. Let go us this go from our past that could truly become the Big C of your life. HUGS Everyone!!!
Bad things happen to good people. The worst thing you can do to yourself is assume that everyone out there is going to hurt you just because one person did. The best thing we can chose to do for ourselves is to learn that we have to accept that most people have good intentions but mistakes get made and we take the chance of getting hurt every moment of our lives.
We each have our own path we must take to our future. Some of use take the long winding uphill path with many obstacles along the way. Others take the straight and narrow and uncluttered path. Who’s to say which path is the “Right” Path. We all have our lessons to be learned maybe along the more difficult path we learn more about ourselves that will be necessary for a more prosperous future or maybe it will lead us to another path we had never even considered for ourselves.
Just because I don’t chose the same path you chose does not make either of our paths worse or better than the other’s it is just different and unique to us individually. We all have our own unique reasons for living. I won’t judge your choices and don’t judge mine. What seems to work for someone today may not work for them forever and we all need to respect that and accept each of us for our own choices. With support ever choice can be a good one. It is when we are surrounded by nothing but negativity and discouragement that we give up on ourselves and start second guessing ourselves. I may make choices for me that are not right for you but in the end I live my life and you live yours.
Each of us have Our Paths and we have to support and encourage one another in order to reach our true potential. If you aren’t getting the support you truly have to re-evaluate the negatives in your life and determine if they are hurting you or need to be addressed and built on to become your positive. Chose Your Own Path and stand by that which you firmly believe is the right one for the future you want for yourself not for someone else.
While sitting in a Senior High School Class listening to a couple guest speakers talk about their son being molested by their babysitter, I had an unusual feeling of understanding come over me that I somehow knew the pain and confusion this child must have been feeling. Feeling that no one understood what you were dealing with and the deep ache to rid yourself of an unknown secret. I really didn’t know why I had these feelings, but I sat in that classroom almost in tears and amazement on how these people were talking so freely about this traumatic event in their son’s life. Luckily this was the last real class I had that day because I was not able to focus on anything but the words these people talked about and how they were very clear that this is not the “Victims” fault that these people do these things. They also explained that if we knew anyone who had or was being hurt by someone we needed to speak up and not allow them to continue to make that person or yourself the victim any longer.
I walked around in a fog most of the rest of the afternoon and into the evening. I had trouble going to sleep that night with strange thoughts running through my head. Once I finally fell asleep I was restless and the next thing I knew I awoke screaming, “NO! STOP! YOU’RE HURTING ME!” The memories came flooding back to a horrible night in my life that I had somehow blocked from my subconscious. It was now back and I was never going to forget it again.
I had been molested with inappropriate touching and actions by a man close to our family. He made threats that I would be hurt or that my family wouldn’t believe me if I were to even tell them. This went on for several years and I just allowed this man to treat me like my feelings meant nothing. At age 12, I finally got the courage to stand up to this man and tell him “NO” and that I wouldn’t allow him to treat me like that ever again.
I thought that everything was going to stop and that I had finally been able to take control until I went to sleep that night. I awoke to the most excruciating pain and my head being forced into a pillow. I was on my stomach and I couldn’t move and at times could barely breathe while this grown man raped me and said horrible words to me while shoving my head further in the pillow so I couldn’t scream. I must have blacked out because I don’t remember anything after that.
From that day forward I was a different young lady. I went from being very outgoing and high spirited, to a tomboy and guarded. I wore clothing that didn’t flatter me as to not attract males. I became just one of the guys in my group of friends and started pushing those who were close to me away so that I couldn’t be hurt like that again. I didn’t speak of that night because I just remembered him telling me that no one was going to believe me. I eventually completely blocked it from my memory as a way to protect myself. I also felt there must have been something I had done to deserve this and that maybe I done something to encourage him. He made me a victim and by allowing that I empowered him.
This all came back to me 5 years later, yes I blocked this horrible event out of my memory for 5 years and all it did was tear me up from the inside and created insecurities and depression that I could not truly understand. I had thoughts of suicide and the feeling of just being completely alone and misunderstood. Once this all came back to me I decided I would never keep silent about it again. I pulled myself together and wrote it all down in an anonymous letter to the class, we had a drop box that was in the room that we could put questions in and the class would give their opinions and advice. I didn’t hold anything back in that letter, well nothing but my name of course. I asked if they could help me to determine what I needed to do next to overcome this and how I could stop from being this victim and now take control of my life, once again.
When I got to school that morning I dropped the letter in the box while no one was in the class and proceeded with my school day feeling a bit of the burden I had carried so long, lifted from me. When I arrived to class that afternoon the teacher was standing at the front of the class with his stool and asked everyone to please take their seats. I knew what was about to happen. We all sat down and he sat on his stool and proceeded to tell the class that he had something very serious to read to them and that their help was very important. I gathered all the strength I had in me and listened to the words read back to me that I had written that morning. It all truly became reality at that moment. There was no going back.
After the teacher read the letter he looked to the class for their words of wisdom and guidance. I continued to not show signs that the letter was from me and I even asked and answered questions. These students were so helpful and they didn’t even know that the person who wrote those words was me. We discussed how this is something that is history and by continuing to allow it to fester was only hurting me and holding me back from my future. They talked about how this is not something I did or could have stopped. We discussed that my taking a stand was a good thing even though it caused this to escalate. This was the man’s burden to bare not mine.
After class let out I walked up to the front of the class to talk to the teacher as I did every day. He looked at me and asked me how I thought he and the class had done with the letter. I responded, “You did great!” He said, “You think so?” I looked him in the eyes and said, “It helped a lot!” His eyes changed and started to fill with tears. “I didn’t know,” he said, with the tears starting to flow. I looked at him and said, “I know that is why you helped so much.” If he would have known it was me he may have not been so open about his responses. He gave me a hug and for the first time in many years felt the warmth in another person’s hugs without being scared.
I will leave this story with this for now and will continue with stories that came from me deciding that I was not going to continue to be the victim of this man and that I would never be silent about it again. All being silent did was hurt me and the negativity of the secret was like a cancer in me and was just spreading and once I refused to allow it anymore my life changed. I won’t tell you it was always perfect after that day but it was the strength that I pulled from and continue to pull from today when things get rough.
In closing, don’t read this post and pity me for what happened in my past. My past is my foundation and what made me the strong independent person I am today. I want to share this story so that maybe I can reach others that are going through, or have gone through, similar times. Maybe, just maybe, you can see that you are not alone and you too can find the strength to be “THE VICTIM NO MORE”.
~Vix~
Have you ever taken the time to sit back and analyze what truly inspires you? We often get inspired by other’s actions or insight, but have you ever actually sat down and made a list of the things that make you happy, passionate, teary, just plain have emotion? I find that there are many in life that just live through others and don’t take the time to tap into the true inner passions of themselves. Then we never feel complete fulfilled and even get left feeling empty.
We all have differences and we need to be able to acknowledge them. Those are what makes us all unique and special. I don’t expect everyone to feel as I do about everything I talk and write about. In fact I love to hear other people’s true views when they disagree with me. Other people’s views may deepen my own or could very easily chance my perspective and I love that. Be passionate about what YOU want and desire in life. Stop letting other people define what is good for YOU. Be ok with other people not agreeing with your opinions but never be afraid to stand up for what you truly believe it.
Inspiration comes from so many facets of our lives. Some of us are creative, some analytical, others are very logical. We as people need to accept that about each other and not judge others for what they believe and find inspiration in. We are all made up of different DNA remember. Every molecule in our make up creates differences in us all.
This starts with our children I am seeing being a mother of two very gifted children in their own special way. Society tells us that we should strive to be the best but what exactly is the best really? Being the best in one’s field is great as long as you enjoy what it is that you are doing. Now if you are great at what you do but you don’t find Inspiration in doing it then are you truly the best at it? People do things at times just because that is what they have fallen into and have become good at. Does that mean they are passionate about it all the time? Do they get up every morning inspired to do what it is they do or do they hate it but do it because that is what everyone believes they “should” do to be a productive part of or society?
Does it scare anyone else that more people die from suicide than from homicide? This statistic really got me thinking. If people were able to do what they were truly passionate about and stopped living their lives for others and the way others believed their lives should be lived, would this statistic still be the same?
Take a moment after you read this post and truly sit down and think about 5 things that inspire you to get up every morning and write them down. Then think about 5 things you do in your live that make you sad that you have to do because society says doing it differently is not acceptable. Once you have these lists, ask yourself is there anything on your Inspiration List that can replace anything on your Negative List? Take charge of your future by acknowledging who you are inside and accept that person. We all have our passions…What are yours?
In life we all wear masks to hide behind until we find what we are really looking for, but in doing this we tend to hide our true selves and prevent what we are looking for from finding us. If you want things in life you have to not be afraid to be yourself and go through many others that haven’t found the strength to do the same. Maybe just being real and putting down the masks you can show those looking for you what they could have easily just walked right past. Don’t be afraid of who you are or not being enough for anyone else. The one that has been searching for you will want the real you, not a you that you have created to hide behind.
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