Each of us has different likes and dislikes. Some of us love the outdoors and anywhere there are trees and water. Others of us are more into the lights of the big city. Then there are others that would prefer sitting in the peace and quiet of a library. Whatever is your happy place, find it and be sure you are visiting as often as you can to bring happiness to your heart and soul.
This journey from Survivor to Thriver and Then Beyond, is in no way easy but it is truly within reach of each of us. Myself, I am between the Survivor and Thriver Stages and I work every day to take the necessary steps to keep moving more forward that backward. This road is often bumpy and there are many days I just think "Maybe I am good with just being a survivor. Why do I need to thrive anyway and is the beyond really that amazing? I am happy as I am now. Why do I need to keep pushing myself?"
The simple answer to all this is: I am meant to do MORE! My journey hasn't ended so why should I just stop working to achieve the ultimate life I am meant to live? I survived sexual abuse! I survived suicide! I survived a life of negativity. Why? The only logical explaination I can come up with is that I am meant to THRIVE and even more importantly reach BEYOND! I am meant to share my story so that others can survive themselves and know that if I can do it they certainly can. If you have done the work to survive your past regardless of what it held, be sure you are working toward thriving and living this life you have, to it's fullness without regret.
If we all accepted each other's strengths and weaknesses and stopped listening to the negative words that are thrown around, you would learn to enjoy your life much more. Remember if you don't hear the information direct from the source you honestly don't know the truth. Try believing in the positive and ignoring the negative for one week and I promise you your life will change for the better. Love you all!!
When we are born we have no reason to believe anyone or anything is going to hurt us. We trust with everything we know until the time comes when that trust is broken. Once this happens we begin questioning the intentions of things and ultimately others around us. Once trust is lost it is not easy to regain and tough to not project on even those who have never done anything to not trust them. It must be a conscious decision to put our past experiences behind us and to make a conscious effort to not make others pay for the actions of a few. It has to be as though after trust is lost with one person you are “re-born” in a sense and you can’t continue to hold everyone around you responsible for actions of a few. When you realize that once trust is lost it is not only the person who broke that trust you no longer believe it but you ultimately have lost trust for yourself in your judgement. Trust is freeing and as long as you are careful and you listen to your instincts so that you aren’t putting yourself in situations where those who have bad intentions have to access to take advantage, being able to trust is so much healthier than hold on to that negativity of not trusting and thinking everyone is out to harm you.
Is there such a thing as a “Plug n Play Relationship” out there? One where two people have exactly what each other are made for without any modifications at all? I say “NO”, and that is perfectly okay. The problem is that people expect each other to be who they are today and remain that person for the rest of their lives. Or the other happens, and they are upset because they do not “changed” the way they expect them to. We change every single day and unless the two people change in the exact same way at the exact same pace they will never be the same to each other down the road. Then people get upset at each other for not being who they were and that is unreasonable. None of us are the same people we were yesterday much less 10, 20, 50 years from now. You either accept the person each of you have become or you accept that you are not compatible as you once were and you agree to part ways. There is no such thing as the “Plug n Play Relationship” that just continues to fit perfectly over and over. Be okay with that and communicate with each other. The worse thing you can do is hide the fact that your wants and desires have changed over time, or try to be something that someone else wants you to be and then find later you can’t be that. Resentment then sets in and one or both parties feel they have been misled as to who you are. Nothing is Plug n Play so just be yourself and be open with yourself and those around you as to your weaknesses and flaws. Once you are able to acknowledge them you are able to work on them and being open with others will have the opportunity to work with you or decide if they like you only as you are or they want they same thing for you and will help you to grow. Never expect that Plug n Play is what you want, because you have to know things today are not as they will be tomorrow. Be ready to adapt and there may not be an adapter for everyone in your life when change happens.
Your life is like a business! You should be working at it every single day and those in your life should be helping you to build the business not to let it fail. Surround yourself with like-minds and be sure you manage your life well! It’s yours to lead and choose who is in it!
I want to discuss Post Traumatic Stress and how it feels as though our souls have been stolen after a traumatic event. There are of course various levels of Trauma but no one can really say that one level is easier than another. It truly depends on a multitude of variables and it really isn’t anyone’s place to determine how each traumatic event will effect each person. Two people can go through the exact same event at the exact same time and each will process it all differently. No one person has the knowledge or power to determine another persons thoughts or emotions. Everyone of us is unique and need to process things in our own way. For society to tell us we need to just accept something and get over it isn’t realistic in a lot of cases.
I battled with PTSD myself after I was raped at the age of 12. I repressed the incident so that I wouldn’t have to face the truth and continue to relive the act over and over in my nightmares. This is how I dealt with the trauma and it almost killed me as I dealt with suicidal thoughts and attempted, thankfully I failed. The one thing in my life I can honestly say today that I am proud of being a failure at. Those thoughts can really get the better of you and for those not having them you have no way of comprehending what it is like. The only way I can try and describe it would be like this… Have you ever had a recording of something you hated play over and over and you couldn’t get the player to shut off? You feel anxious because you want it to stop but it just continues no matter what you do? It is kind of like that but the voices or images are inside your head and there is no off button to push, or power cord you can pull. Think of it like those battling with those voices and images in their head finally have enough and they make suicide their disconnection from the ultimate power source of life. Typically, they resort to these measures because they believe there is no other way to get them to stop and no one can possibly understand what they are going through. Those battling with memories of a traumatic event, continue to replay that event over and over in their minds because their brain is trying to resolve the issue and can’t change the outcome. They are the star of their own personal thriller movie in their minds and they are often scared to share with anyone for fear that no one will believe them or will believe they are weak.
No matter why, it is wrong that they should be made to feel they are the ones that did anything wrong. They need to be ensured that they are loved and that they will not be judged for the acts of others choices or even their own in some cases. Things that have happened in our past, whether that is yesterday or several years ago, can never be changed or taken back. We have to learn to acknowledge those events and history and accept who we are today. In order for us to overcome our past we have to put it in the past and not allow it to continue to tear us down in our present and definitely not let it hold us back from our future. We are on this journey together and we all need to help one another achieve the future that we were meant to have.
There is a great project I have seen on YouTube by a few different people that has inspired me. This project is The Beautiful Project and it shows how telling others they are beautiful changes them instantly. There is something beautiful in us all but we often can’t see it until someone else points it out. Be that inspiration to someone everyday. Step outside of you comfort zone and appreciate the beauty in a stranger. Go up to someone you don’t know and compliment them on one thing and tell them how beautiful they are. Imagine how amazing this world would be if we all started focusing on the beauty around us and less of the ugly. We all have beauty to share and when it is acknowledged by others it gives us the permission we need to shine. Give those around you the permission they seek to be the amazing beauty they may be hiding or not seeing for themselves…YET!!
Cyberspace can be a tricky place these days. We all seem to be online for our own reasons. Everyone wearing a mask of one form or another. Have you ever gone online just to either change your mood or to release feeling you are having. Hoping that maybe there are others out there sharing your feelings or may have words of inspiration? I have really enjoyed the online experience I have had for the past almost 3 years. I have learned so much about myself and about others. It is so not easy to trust people online until I actually meet them in person. If you talk with me online first you will get a guarded but open Vix.
The biggest thing I have learned is that people hide behind the keyboard. Beware if you are going online for dating especially. In 3 years I have talked to a lot of people online and actually met maybe 50 in person, of which it is sad to me that less than 10 of them were as advertised on their profiles. It is a mystery to me why people continue to lie about who they are at all but when the time comes that they agree to actually meet with a person why wouldn’t you be sure to send a current picture of yourself so that you are honest before these people are shocked in person and then left feeling lied to?
Some words of advice for those interacting online, whether it be a social media site or an actual dating site, be sure that you “know” who you are chatting with before sharing too much personal information. There are some shady people online not just insecure ones. I talk to so many people the worry me so much cause they are sharing very private pictures and information with, well honestly, perfect strangers. I can relate to wanting to believe these people and wanting to trust but from experience people LIE. Sometimes they want to be truthful but they get caught up in the moment. Maybe they see your profile and get so caught up in that they believe how could the person in the pictures they are seeing possibly accept them for who they are. Being online can breed insecurity and dishonesty.
Today I write to give you the best update I could have ever imagine writing. My friend Joe got the results of his tests and closure to yet another chapter of his life. I am happy to announce that he has the opportunity to start a new chapter that I truly believe could be his most incredible chapter. He has grown so much during this experience and has truly learned to no longer be the victim of his past and to let go of all that negative energy that can truly fester and become like that Cancer he was battling. I am not saying that it was all Positive thinking or the Power of a good support system and friends/family that care but those things surely gave this man the strengthen and purpose to live and that can never be discounted.
This man was told to get his affairs in order and that he would not live more than 8 months and in 3 months he is now CANCER FREE, and has a new outlook on his life. He has a passion for life and a purpose. This man who just was ready to die and be out of pain is now ready to fight bigger battles and is realizing he was given this chance to do something that will make a difference to so many. I am honored to have been chose to serve with this man during this battle. I now realize my part.
I was brought to him to make him see how the negativity was tearing him apart and that he is the survivor not the victim any longer. When he talked about giving up my mission was to refocus the negative energy and to get him back on target quickly so that he could continued to grow stronger to fight.
We have only started our journey as friends to share this news and to show anyone who will listen that by holding onto negative memories it weakens us and allows us to become susceptible to even more negativity in our lives. Let go us this go from our past that could truly become the Big C of your life. HUGS Everyone!!!
Bad things happen to good people. The worst thing you can do to yourself is assume that everyone out there is going to hurt you just because one person did. The best thing we can chose to do for ourselves is to learn that we have to accept that most people have good intentions but mistakes get made and we take the chance of getting hurt every moment of our lives.
While sitting in a Senior High School Class listening to a couple guest speakers talk about their son being molested by their babysitter, I had an unusual feeling of understanding come over me that I somehow knew the pain and confusion this child must have been feeling. Feeling that no one understood what you were dealing with and the deep ache to rid yourself of an unknown secret. I really didn’t know why I had these feelings, but I sat in that classroom almost in tears and amazement on how these people were talking so freely about this traumatic event in their son’s life. Luckily this was the last real class I had that day because I was not able to focus on anything but the words these people talked about and how they were very clear that this is not the “Victims” fault that these people do these things. They also explained that if we knew anyone who had or was being hurt by someone we needed to speak up and not allow them to continue to make that person or yourself the victim any longer.
I walked around in a fog most of the rest of the afternoon and into the evening. I had trouble going to sleep that night with strange thoughts running through my head. Once I finally fell asleep I was restless and the next thing I knew I awoke screaming, “NO! STOP! YOU’RE HURTING ME!” The memories came flooding back to a horrible night in my life that I had somehow blocked from my subconscious. It was now back and I was never going to forget it again.
I had been molested with inappropriate touching and actions by a man close to our family. He made threats that I would be hurt or that my family wouldn’t believe me if I were to even tell them. This went on for several years and I just allowed this man to treat me like my feelings meant nothing. At age 12, I finally got the courage to stand up to this man and tell him “NO” and that I wouldn’t allow him to treat me like that ever again.
I thought that everything was going to stop and that I had finally been able to take control until I went to sleep that night. I awoke to the most excruciating pain and my head being forced into a pillow. I was on my stomach and I couldn’t move and at times could barely breathe while this grown man raped me and said horrible words to me while shoving my head further in the pillow so I couldn’t scream. I must have blacked out because I don’t remember anything after that.
From that day forward I was a different young lady. I went from being very outgoing and high spirited, to a tomboy and guarded. I wore clothing that didn’t flatter me as to not attract males. I became just one of the guys in my group of friends and started pushing those who were close to me away so that I couldn’t be hurt like that again. I didn’t speak of that night because I just remembered him telling me that no one was going to believe me. I eventually completely blocked it from my memory as a way to protect myself. I also felt there must have been something I had done to deserve this and that maybe I done something to encourage him. He made me a victim and by allowing that I empowered him.
This all came back to me 5 years later, yes I blocked this horrible event out of my memory for 5 years and all it did was tear me up from the inside and created insecurities and depression that I could not truly understand. I had thoughts of suicide and the feeling of just being completely alone and misunderstood. Once this all came back to me I decided I would never keep silent about it again. I pulled myself together and wrote it all down in an anonymous letter to the class, we had a drop box that was in the room that we could put questions in and the class would give their opinions and advice. I didn’t hold anything back in that letter, well nothing but my name of course. I asked if they could help me to determine what I needed to do next to overcome this and how I could stop from being this victim and now take control of my life, once again.
When I got to school that morning I dropped the letter in the box while no one was in the class and proceeded with my school day feeling a bit of the burden I had carried so long, lifted from me. When I arrived to class that afternoon the teacher was standing at the front of the class with his stool and asked everyone to please take their seats. I knew what was about to happen. We all sat down and he sat on his stool and proceeded to tell the class that he had something very serious to read to them and that their help was very important. I gathered all the strength I had in me and listened to the words read back to me that I had written that morning. It all truly became reality at that moment. There was no going back.
After the teacher read the letter he looked to the class for their words of wisdom and guidance. I continued to not show signs that the letter was from me and I even asked and answered questions. These students were so helpful and they didn’t even know that the person who wrote those words was me. We discussed how this is something that is history and by continuing to allow it to fester was only hurting me and holding me back from my future. They talked about how this is not something I did or could have stopped. We discussed that my taking a stand was a good thing even though it caused this to escalate. This was the man’s burden to bare not mine.
After class let out I walked up to the front of the class to talk to the teacher as I did every day. He looked at me and asked me how I thought he and the class had done with the letter. I responded, “You did great!” He said, “You think so?” I looked him in the eyes and said, “It helped a lot!” His eyes changed and started to fill with tears. “I didn’t know,” he said, with the tears starting to flow. I looked at him and said, “I know that is why you helped so much.” If he would have known it was me he may have not been so open about his responses. He gave me a hug and for the first time in many years felt the warmth in another person’s hugs without being scared.
I will leave this story with this for now and will continue with stories that came from me deciding that I was not going to continue to be the victim of this man and that I would never be silent about it again. All being silent did was hurt me and the negativity of the secret was like a cancer in me and was just spreading and once I refused to allow it anymore my life changed. I won’t tell you it was always perfect after that day but it was the strength that I pulled from and continue to pull from today when things get rough.
In closing, don’t read this post and pity me for what happened in my past. My past is my foundation and what made me the strong independent person I am today. I want to share this story so that maybe I can reach others that are going through, or have gone through, similar times. Maybe, just maybe, you can see that you are not alone and you too can find the strength to be “THE VICTIM NO MORE”.
~Vix~
Have you ever thought that the pain and hurt we feel due to past relationships gone wrong or actually being hurt by others in our past are some what like what they call “Phantom Pains” in those that have lost limbs? I know this sounds a little far fetch but let’s think about this. If you were in a relationship and you were hurt and you severed those ties, isn’t it similar in a strange way? When you lose a limb you have extreme pain and then loss and then it is said that you experience Phantom pains in the limb. So is it so strange to have similar pains when you sever relationship ties? You have had potentially extreme pain and you have now lost a part of your life that you felt was another limb of sorts. After you are away and you start realizing you are living without that part of your life you tend to relive that pain from time to time and may even project that on to others in your present. You can start to react to this “Phantom Pain” by treating those around you as you would like to have handled the past. You need to acknowledge that the Past is exactly that and that your future does not include that “limb” so now you have to LIVE your new life and not allow what caused you to lose that “limb” to impact you so that you don’t potential lose future “limbs” for the same reasons. You make better choices, you look deeper inside yourself to know what is hurting you before it becomes so bad that you can go back and reverse the damages done. I know this analogy is not perfect but I do see very similar traits in how we analyze the loss and I thought maybe, just maybe, this would help others to remember that when we lose something there is a purpose and now is the time to stop being the victim of it and realize that you have a new life that you need to find your purpose in and love yourself in. Don’t allow the problem to spread to your future and grow as a person from the mistakes that you may have made. I hope this helps you to look at your current relationships a little deeper and make sure that you are treating them as something. Stop being the victim of what others may have done to you and learn to live from those experiences.
Have you ever taken the time to sit back and analyze what truly inspires you? We often get inspired by other’s actions or insight, but have you ever actually sat down and made a list of the things that make you happy, passionate, teary, just plain have emotion? I find that there are many in life that just live through others and don’t take the time to tap into the true inner passions of themselves. Then we never feel complete fulfilled and even get left feeling empty.
We all have differences and we need to be able to acknowledge them. Those are what makes us all unique and special. I don’t expect everyone to feel as I do about everything I talk and write about. In fact I love to hear other people’s true views when they disagree with me. Other people’s views may deepen my own or could very easily chance my perspective and I love that. Be passionate about what YOU want and desire in life. Stop letting other people define what is good for YOU. Be ok with other people not agreeing with your opinions but never be afraid to stand up for what you truly believe it.
Inspiration comes from so many facets of our lives. Some of us are creative, some analytical, others are very logical. We as people need to accept that about each other and not judge others for what they believe and find inspiration in. We are all made up of different DNA remember. Every molecule in our make up creates differences in us all.
This starts with our children I am seeing being a mother of two very gifted children in their own special way. Society tells us that we should strive to be the best but what exactly is the best really? Being the best in one’s field is great as long as you enjoy what it is that you are doing. Now if you are great at what you do but you don’t find Inspiration in doing it then are you truly the best at it? People do things at times just because that is what they have fallen into and have become good at. Does that mean they are passionate about it all the time? Do they get up every morning inspired to do what it is they do or do they hate it but do it because that is what everyone believes they “should” do to be a productive part of or society?
Does it scare anyone else that more people die from suicide than from homicide? This statistic really got me thinking. If people were able to do what they were truly passionate about and stopped living their lives for others and the way others believed their lives should be lived, would this statistic still be the same?
Take a moment after you read this post and truly sit down and think about 5 things that inspire you to get up every morning and write them down. Then think about 5 things you do in your live that make you sad that you have to do because society says doing it differently is not acceptable. Once you have these lists, ask yourself is there anything on your Inspiration List that can replace anything on your Negative List? Take charge of your future by acknowledging who you are inside and accept that person. We all have our passions…What are yours?
In life we all wear masks to hide behind until we find what we are really looking for, but in doing this we tend to hide our true selves and prevent what we are looking for from finding us. If you want things in life you have to not be afraid to be yourself and go through many others that haven’t found the strength to do the same. Maybe just being real and putting down the masks you can show those looking for you what they could have easily just walked right past. Don’t be afraid of who you are or not being enough for anyone else. The one that has been searching for you will want the real you, not a you that you have created to hide behind.
On November 23, 2012, I started chatting with a gentleman that at the time of us starting to chat I had no idea how much our friendship was going to impact my life. The man was a kindred spirit to me we could chat for hours just about nothing. We talked about our love and wish to travel. We would talk about going on road trips with the top down on the car to the Coast and just sitting and watching the waves. We joked about going to Mexico but neither of us even had our Passport. About a month after we started chatting he asked me if I would be interested in watching TV together but from our own homes. At first I thought this request was an interesting one but I said hey why not but maybe we should meet for coffee first and discuss face to face our likes and dislikes. When we met that December 15th at Starbucks and I just felt so comfortable talking to this man. We were just friends and felt like we had been friends forever. I left that afternoon after us sitting and talking for a couple hours about our children and families just feeling as though I had just caught up with someone I had known all my life.
We would sit and text each other for hours, talking about our children and our families and dreams for travel while watching episodes of “How I Met Your Mother”, “The Big Bang Theory”, and many others. During Christmas that year he told me he would not be available as often because his sons were coming out to visit him and he was so excited about their visit. I loved to hear the tone in his messages when he talked about his boys coming to stay and that they were going to be going to visit his mother during their visit as well. He texted me off and on during their visit and again it was so great to hear how happy it made him to have them there with him.
When the boys went home things started to change with him. About that time is when I found out that he had had Heart surgery back in October and he had been on Medical Leave but was going to be going back to work. He seemed excited but nervous at the same time. We talked a lot and watched shows every night and we would chat back and forth during the shows. It was very nice to have this connection with someone but I never realized that this man had major anxiety when he left his house but he would do all he could when he had to go back to work. He then out of the blue contacted me one evening through text messages, as we always communicated, and told me that he couldn’t do this anymore someone had come back into his life and he had to give that person another chance. I of course was hurt a bit to lose a friend and confused but I wanted him to be happy. I told him that day that I would be around if he needed someone to talk to and left it at that.
About two weeks later I received a message from him saying Hello and that he hoped that we could still be friends. I told him we never stopped and how could I help. We picked up right where we had left off and he started talking a bit about a couple women he had been talking to. One was a woman that he had lived with and he was a little obsessed with the idea that he was sent here to take care of her. She was from his past and he couldn’t let go because she had been in a bad relationship.
After we started chatting again his tone really changed, he was very hi and low and I just talked to him as always. I did what could to be that voice of reason when he would get worked up about this woman and tell me that she saved him that week he stopped talking to me. He had had thoughts of suicide at that time and asked for help and all of a sudden she contacted him and wanted to see him out of the blue. He said this to him was a sign. I tried to explain to him that yes it was a sign that he was to live and be here for his boys but he was very focused on this woman. I tried to be supportive and I was as best as I knew how. I never enabled him but I would tell it like it was. I think there were many nights where I really got through to him.
In the middle of February he asked me for a favor. I had no idea that he needed to go back in for a procedure for his heart that he had no one that he could ask to take him. I was honored of course but thought it was a bit strange that he would ask a person he had only actually met once to take him and be there with him for something like this but I couldn’t let him go alone so I said of course. We met again after that for coffee again and then caught a movie and we had a very nice day talking. We discussed at that time that we needed to follow through with this road trip idea. So we made plans.
One Saturday morning in late February I drove to his place and picked him up and we took a drive to the Coast. It was perfect weather out that day. We drove to Half Moon Bay and found a place on the beach to have lunch. This is when he really opened up to me about the situation with how sad he was to not see his children and how this woman was really tied to him. He would defend behavior she had that I thought was selfish and that she was not thinking of his needs at all. For some reason I was able to talk to him directly and he would listen even though he just could not let go. I started to realize this day that this man was definitely battling with depression.
After lunch we got my camera out of the car and we started down towards the beach. It was a great day and I actually saw him smile many times just like he felt relieved to be out there. We sat at one point and I took pictures and he just sat. There were moments that I could tell that bad thoughts would go through his head but then all of a sudden he would look over and smile and say “Thank you for bringing me.”
When we got back to the car I asked where he would like to go now and he asked that we take the long way home and we drove back to the town where he grew up and he showed me places he remembered as a teen and young adult. Then started talking about his days as a medic and how much he enjoyed that feeling of saving people. As we started to leave town and entered the freeway he got quiet. I gave him a few moments and then I asked him if there was something he needed to talk about. He just looked at me again and said, “Thank you. I didn’t think I could do this trip without having a panic attack.” It was at the time I realized there was much more going on than I had any knowledge of. We drove back to his place listening to old classic rock on the radio and just enjoying the wind blowing through the car.
We got to his place and he got out of the car and gave me a hug and said he was happy we did this and was happy to have me as a friend. I just smiled and told him that I was proud to be his friend and that I would text him as soon as I got home. Which I did and we of course watched an episode of “Burn Notice” and chatted about our day. He talked about the amazing Lobster Roll he had for lunch and that he wanted one again. I just laughed and said well then I guess we will need to do it again.
Time went on and we had many talks up to the day of his procedure at the end of March. I went and picked him up and drove him to the Hospital. I was still shocked that if this woman he kept telling me about was so amazing and that they loved each other why was I there and not her? Just kept telling me he didn’t want to worry anyone and didn’t want them to know. It never made sense to me but of course I just went. I went in to the room with him and it was like I was there with a family member and the doctor and nurses were asking questions and telling me how he needed to be taken care of once we left the hospital. Once the procedure was over we had to wait in the room for a while. I asked the nurse about some of the things that were happening to him recently and she said that it was very possible that they were side effects of the original procedure. The doctor came in and talked to us about the findings and they saw a small mass but they were hoping that it was not something they needed to be concerned with that it would just eventually pass. We had concern and discussed all this on the way to his place. He knew he had to take his medications but he was struggling and having trouble with work. I stayed with him for a few hours after to make sure he was ok and then I left him.
After his procedure, things started to get difficult, the depression got worse, he lost his job and had to get on unemployment, and he was struggling. I did what I could to give him the emotional support and we would get in arguments over texts because he was giving this woman money instead of paying for his own medicine or paying his own bills. Our conversations slowly started to cut-down to every other day and then a couple times a week and in early June I was rarely hearing from him. Then in mid June the messages stopped all together. I kept messaging but nothing. I just figured, well hoped, that he had found someone and was just too busy or that this new person in his life didn’t understand our friendship.
Then came July 9, 2013, the day I will remember forever. I messaged again, asking if he was ok. I waited and all of a sudden a message from his phone came. It was from the mother of his sons. “I have news. If you are comfortable calling me, you are welcome to do so.” Of course I called right away and was told the news that this friend had taken his own life on June 17, 2013. I somehow knew, but it hurt so much that I wasn’t there to help. His son’s mother proceeded to tell me that he had sent a letter to his Mother and in this letter he had talked about me and how he felt about our friendship and that I had been there for him and ask that she please get in touch with me and let me know somehow. She apologized for taking so long to get back with me but I completely understood. I thanked her and offered to help in any way I could and asked that she give his sons a message from me. “Please tell them their father loved them with all he had. The happiest times I saw in him were when he had them with him and when he would talk about them. Tell them that their father was very proud of them and wanted to be with them.” She thanked me for that and asked that we keep in touch. I hung up the phone and wept for a very long time.
It took me several months to forgive myself for allowing the conversations to taper off. I had to come to terms with the fact that this moment was going to happen. I just had the honor to share the days I did with this man. He taught me a lot about myself and life. I thank him for that and for opening my eyes to learning that you don’t have to physically connect with someone to be their friend. Communication is all some of us need and if you can be those words at the other end of the keyboard for someone and that is all they require from you…then is it really that difficult? Enjoy every moment you have with those around you whether it be a real friendship or a virtual one, it really doesn’t matter. The person on the receiving end is still a human being. Friends forever my dear friend, I will never forget you.
“The Fixer” is that person whom people seem to just be able to talk to. They don’t have to offer their help cause it is just who they are and people sense it. “The Fixer” just has this way of knowing what is wrong and has a way of reading people. They seem to just go with their instincts and people feel so comfortable opening up to them. “The Fixer” somehow is able to listen, analyze and turn around and give guidance without even knowing how.
All my life I have been “The Fixer”. I love helping others to work through things and find solutions. I thrive for the honor to help others find the answers they are looking for. I enjoy talking to people and listening to what they are going through in their lives and then working together to find the right path to take them on to their future.
When I was in high school I remember the day when another student that I had never met before come up to me at my locker and asked me if they could talk to me. I was a little taken back but I said, “of course, how can I help?” She proceeded to tell me of a problem she was having and I listen but also thinking to myself why would a stranger be talking to me about stuff this personal? When she finished telling me what she was dealing with she asked if I had any advice for her. I remember looking at her with compassion and talking to here about what I would suggest she do about the situation. I was amazed how after we talked for a bit how the look in her eyes seemed to change from sorrow to almost relief. As she started to walk away that day I stopped her and asked, “Why did you come to me with this?” She smiled and said because people always talked about me and how I was always very open-minded and caring and there was something in my smile and eyes that she just felt comfortable talking to me. This simple statement changed the way I saw myself, I realized that day that I needed to someday work with others somehow.
Some people see “The Fixer” as someone who takes on other people’s problems and hides from their own. I have never been that person. By helping others I open my eyes a little more to myself and allow myself to grow from these experiences. We can not all learn from each other if we truly listen and stop judging each other for our flaws and short-falls.
I have another friend that I met on a social media site that when we started chatting he was going through a tough time in his life and we started talking and I shared with him my B-A-B-Y-S-T-E-P-S process. I reminded him that he needed to take his time and not try to make rush decisions. We talked a lot about his situation and how he didn’t want to do the wrong thing for his son but he needed to be happy himself. I explained that if he just remembered B-A-B-Y-S-T-E-P-S it would all fall into place. We talk frequently and it is wonderful for me to hear how well he is doing on his own with his son now and they have a fantastic relationship and that is truly because he always put his son’s needs before his own. Most people would find it strange to get so close to people they have never met. Have over a year now of talking to this man we have never met in person but through out communications we have become friends. He is the first to point out that I had “The Fixer” personality. I truly did not know what that meant until then.
I have embraced “The Fixer” title and find it an honor to be able to connect with so many amazing people and to have a small part in helping them to get through difficult times and complicated decisions. I know I don’t have all the answers but I love being able to share my views and opinions with so many and play my part in guiding through tough and sometimes great moments in their lives.
I have this theory of déjà vu. I believe before we are born we are shown many “moments” in our life that we will eventually reach. These moments will happen at some point in our lives but it is truly our choice how we get to them. I see it like a clam shell of sorts. The base of the shell is the point we are trying to reach and every time we reach that moment we are given a flash of the memory as a way to know we have reached that moment. Each time we have this flash we are then given the choice of “roads” to take to get to the next one. You are basically standing at the top of the clam shell with many choices of roads to take. Some are shorter with a few bumps in the road and some are longer but no matter which road you chose at that moment, you are inevitably going to reach that “moment”. Have you ever noticed that sometimes you have déjà vu within days of each other and other times you don’t have one for years? I believe that is because the shorter road was chosen and you made it to that”moment” quicker than if you were to have taken a longer road. We all have choices in life. It is up to us what roads we take. Even when bad things happen to us we chose if those things will destroy us or if they will make us stronger. Chose your road and remember there is a great moment to come, you just have to be sure you chose wisely and get there the best way you can. Even the long roads can be the fun ones if you enjoy the journey. Never regret choices you have made. Learn from your mistakes and grow from them.
I have been thinking a lot lately about why certain people seem to just “mesh” better than others. A friend sent me a link to a Personality Quiz and I was truly amazed how well it described me. The one part that I found to hit home the most were these two paragraphs:
“ESFPs love communicating with other people and can spend hours upon hours chatting about various topics. There is no clearer tell-tale of an ESFP than the fact that someone has just spent the last hour talking about everything but the topic that was supposed to be the main reason for the conversation. Not surprisingly, this personality type tends to be very popular in the company of extroverted types.
ESFP personalities live in the world of opportunities and savor the pleasures, dramas and ideas that life throws at them. They are immersed in a never-ending performance, trying to cheer other people up. ESFPs are extremely talented at making other people feel good and excited, and they enjoy this immensely. The earthly and often unique wit of ESFPs is a perfect symbol of their playfulness.”
When I read this I actually stopped and reread it again. These words truly seems to explain to me why I write this Blog and why I love to talk to so many different types of people.
Here is the link to the Quiz if you are interested to take it for yourself: www.16personalities.com
I have truly found this information enlightening and has made me realize we are all destined to be something. We just need to take the time to look inside ourselves and tap into our true calling. I firmly believe I am meant to be working with people and discussing my opinions openly. What are you meant to be doing? Are you following your dreams? Or are you just getting by?
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