Self-Help
All posts tagged Self-Help
Your Past is your History
Not your Future
Be sure to keep it where it belongs
Learn from it and Move on
Have you ever thought that the pain and hurt we feel due to past relationships gone wrong or actually being hurt by others in our past are some what like what they call “Phantom Pains” in those that have lost limbs? I know this sounds a little far fetch but let’s think about this. If you were in a relationship and you were hurt and you severed those ties, isn’t it similar in a strange way? When you lose a limb you have extreme pain and then loss and then it is said that you experience Phantom pains in the limb. So is it so strange to have similar pains when you sever relationship ties? You have had potentially extreme pain and you have now lost a part of your life that you felt was another limb of sorts. After you are away and you start realizing you are living without that part of your life you tend to relive that pain from time to time and may even project that on to others in your present. You can start to react to this “Phantom Pain” by treating those around you as you would like to have handled the past. You need to acknowledge that the Past is exactly that and that your future does not include that “limb” so now you have to LIVE your new life and not allow what caused you to lose that “limb” to impact you so that you don’t potential lose future “limbs” for the same reasons. You make better choices, you look deeper inside yourself to know what is hurting you before it becomes so bad that you can go back and reverse the damages done. I know this analogy is not perfect but I do see very similar traits in how we analyze the loss and I thought maybe, just maybe, this would help others to remember that when we lose something there is a purpose and now is the time to stop being the victim of it and realize that you have a new life that you need to find your purpose in and love yourself in. Don’t allow the problem to spread to your future and grow as a person from the mistakes that you may have made. I hope this helps you to look at your current relationships a little deeper and make sure that you are treating them as something. Stop being the victim of what others may have done to you and learn to live from those experiences.
Do you know that person that know matter what they are doing they try to make you happy and please you? I am sure most people truly appreciate these people but have you ever thought about what it does to that person trying to be what makes everyone happy all the time? It takes a lot to take the time to get to know so many and find out what each person “needs” to be happy. These people tend to spread themselves thin over time trying to everything to everyone they care about.
The Pleaser wants those they care about to excel and grow at all times. They tend to give part of themselves without any requirement of a return. Their reward is to see the smile on their loved ones faces or to watch them achieve their goals, whatever those may be.
Do you ever consider they do things for you that are actually hurting them in some way? Do you wonder why they would do that?
They do it because they strive to make you happy and if you are happy then they must be happy. Right?!?!
These Pleasers can easily be taken advantage of and get hurt in the process of doing what they believe is right. They may even make moral decisions that they would normally never consider just because they want to make that person feel happiness or even pleasure for a moment. That moment can in return tear at The Pleasers moral fortitude and later haunt them.
You may ask yourself why would this person do something they normally wouldn’t do just to make another person happy? There is often no good answer. These personality types find gratitude in the instant gratification. This is actually very unhealthy and is not a way to live. If you are a Pleaser, open your eyes now and acknowledge this yourself. You can not be everything to everyone all the time. You need to learn that others need to be able to do things themselves and if you want you can help but you have to stop doing things because you feel you are obligated to please those around you or they won’t love you or care for you. Those who truly care about you are going to care whether you do for them or not.
Life is give and take. Learn to receive as much as you give. In the end you will appreciate life that much more. Please yourself and then Please others.
This topic is close to my heart. I feel very strongly about the need for Security and Independence in one’s life. If you are always thinking you are not a good enough for those around you all you do in return is tear down the others in order to boost yourself and we all know that isn’t healthy. You have to dig deep inside you when you are criticizing other around you or controlling them by making them feel guilty for wanting things you may not.
I am often amazed by people who are insecure. You wouldn’t expect most of them to have anything to be insecure about. Some are very attractive, have great jobs, are very social, have great families, etc. what in the world would they have to be insecure about you may think. Insecurities cannot always be explained. We all see ourselves differently when we look in the mirror. It could be our pasts, our choices we have made that we aren’t happy about, our unexplored dreams lost, and many more things. We all have our wants and desires for ourselves that we let become insecurities at times. The key is to not allow those to impact us negatively. Take those insecurities and grow from them and learn about ourselves deeper. Never allow your insecurities to be an excuse to tear others down or control those around you so that you feel more in control. We all need our independence and self-identity. If you feel that it takes someone else or others to do this for you then you truly need to take step back and reassess yourself. By allowing this to impact those around you will only tear apart your relationships and in the end it could actually become a self-fulfilled prophecy. If you are accusing others of maybe cheating or wanting a life without you more, then in time if you continue to plant that seed when that other person finally has enough that prophecy will be fulfilled and you will very likely be left alone and you will try to blame that person when in reality you need to look at yourself and realize you pushed them to it.
Take time for you to find yourself and love yourself. Never have people in your life because you can’t live without them. You should have people in your life because they enhance your life and being around them just increases your happiness. When we make people our “everything” we end up putting way to much pressure on that person to be perfect and in time they will not feel they can ever really be what you expect. Be happy with who you are and always find your positives in your life, because very often things can be far worse than they are today and if you take a moment to analyze your situation you will realize that there are many positives to be thankful for. Love yourself first and the rest will fall into place.
I have noticed more and more, lately how many people tend to live in secrecy due to the fear of showing their true desires, addictions or even their feelings for fear of hurting others. We tend to justify the lies and deceit by saying that it is out of love and affection for the others in our lives. I wonder how much of that is true and how much of it is because we just don’t want to face the truth that we are just plain selfish and we want it all. I have spoken to many people that are living double lives, especially online. Many people living a fantasy life while putting on the happy face at home and put on the facade that everything is perfect and they are happy. Is this fair to anyone involved? These people are not being true to themselves or those involved with them.
We say we tell these “little white lies” to protect others that are happy with things the way they are, but are they truly happy? They are being deceived and manipulated. They are often being put into a situation they are not going to want to deal with the consequences of if the truth comes out and they don’t even know. What right does one person have to make that decision for another person?
Let me use the example of someone who is married and has an addiction to cyber-fantasy. They live a very conservative real world life but are not sexually satisfied by their partner. They find that they receive sexual gratification online and that it would only hurt their partner by being honest with them since their partner is very happy with their life together. Now let’s say the unsatisfied partner decides to start interacting with people online and making choices that if found out could completely devastate the other partner and their way of life. Is it fair of this unsatisfied partner to make this decision for them both? I am constantly amazed by the choices people make online because they don’t have to immediately answer to the consequences of their actions and they justify it because they are not physically doing anything with the other people. I agree they are not physically doing anything wrong but if you know that your partner, family or your friends are going to possibly be hurt if this information is found out is it fair for you to take that chance with all those people’s lives?
I, myself, have had times in my life that I felt that keeping my wants and needs to myself to protect others, was the only option. You tend to truly lose yourself and can become very lost. The longer you hide your true self, the more damage is done to you and to those around you. When you finally can’t take it anymore and you are either found out or your just can’t do it anymore. You then are not only hurting those you were trying to protect by being honest but when they find out that you were deceiving them all that time you break their trust and cause those involved to question everything you have ever told them.
If you know you have a problem and you need help or just aren’t being satisfied in your life the best advice I can give is get the help you need to have the strength to confront your inner demons and find a way to stop living in secrecy. Be true to yourself and accept yourself as you are so that those around you will be able to accept you as well. If you don’t like yourself, you are right neither are those around you. If you believe your wants and desires are bad or even a little insane, then maybe instead of hiding and doing these things in secrecy get the professional help you need to get to the root of the problem and face yourself.
Just because something bad has happened to you once does not mean it will continue to impact your life, unless of course you don’t let it go and put it in your past. Bad things happen to good people. If you allow that to become what defines you it will continue to eat at your core and become you and then you become the victim. You have to Acknowledge, Accept and Achieve.
First step to facing your past is to Acknowledge it. Acknowledge what has happened to negatively impact your future. Stop hiding it and most of all stop hiding from it. If you made bad choices acknowledge them. If you were abused acknowledge that they were the ones that were bad, not you. If you made decisions you regret, acknowledge the mistake. You are only the victim as long as you allow yourself to be so.
Next you need to Accept the reality that you cannot change the past. Accept that your past is History and History cannot be changed but by accepting it you can learn from it and move forward. If you keep reliving the past over and over all you do is continue to stuck and you are not able to move forward to the life you are meant to live. Accepting your Past will allow you to release the guilt of it and in return allow you to no longer be the victim.
The final and my favorite step is to Achieve Positivity. Once you are able to Acknowledge and Accept your Past you can release all the negativity that stays trapped inside you and you are able to Achieve a life of Positive Energy. As I always remember, “Positive Energy Brings Positive Results”. In you future you are destined to be the Hero of your life not the Victim.
Take charge of your life today and never allow your past and those that may have hurt you to make you a victim forever. You need to rise above; Acknowledge, Accept, and most importantly Achieve!! You deserve happiness and only you can require that in your life.
On November 23, 2012, I started chatting with a gentleman that at the time of us starting to chat I had no idea how much our friendship was going to impact my life. The man was a kindred spirit to me we could chat for hours just about nothing. We talked about our love and wish to travel. We would talk about going on road trips with the top down on the car to the Coast and just sitting and watching the waves. We joked about going to Mexico but neither of us even had our Passport. About a month after we started chatting he asked me if I would be interested in watching TV together but from our own homes. At first I thought this request was an interesting one but I said hey why not but maybe we should meet for coffee first and discuss face to face our likes and dislikes. When we met that December 15th at Starbucks and I just felt so comfortable talking to this man. We were just friends and felt like we had been friends forever. I left that afternoon after us sitting and talking for a couple hours about our children and families just feeling as though I had just caught up with someone I had known all my life.
We would sit and text each other for hours, talking about our children and our families and dreams for travel while watching episodes of “How I Met Your Mother”, “The Big Bang Theory”, and many others. During Christmas that year he told me he would not be available as often because his sons were coming out to visit him and he was so excited about their visit. I loved to hear the tone in his messages when he talked about his boys coming to stay and that they were going to be going to visit his mother during their visit as well. He texted me off and on during their visit and again it was so great to hear how happy it made him to have them there with him.
When the boys went home things started to change with him. About that time is when I found out that he had had Heart surgery back in October and he had been on Medical Leave but was going to be going back to work. He seemed excited but nervous at the same time. We talked a lot and watched shows every night and we would chat back and forth during the shows. It was very nice to have this connection with someone but I never realized that this man had major anxiety when he left his house but he would do all he could when he had to go back to work. He then out of the blue contacted me one evening through text messages, as we always communicated, and told me that he couldn’t do this anymore someone had come back into his life and he had to give that person another chance. I of course was hurt a bit to lose a friend and confused but I wanted him to be happy. I told him that day that I would be around if he needed someone to talk to and left it at that.
About two weeks later I received a message from him saying Hello and that he hoped that we could still be friends. I told him we never stopped and how could I help. We picked up right where we had left off and he started talking a bit about a couple women he had been talking to. One was a woman that he had lived with and he was a little obsessed with the idea that he was sent here to take care of her. She was from his past and he couldn’t let go because she had been in a bad relationship.
After we started chatting again his tone really changed, he was very hi and low and I just talked to him as always. I did what could to be that voice of reason when he would get worked up about this woman and tell me that she saved him that week he stopped talking to me. He had had thoughts of suicide at that time and asked for help and all of a sudden she contacted him and wanted to see him out of the blue. He said this to him was a sign. I tried to explain to him that yes it was a sign that he was to live and be here for his boys but he was very focused on this woman. I tried to be supportive and I was as best as I knew how. I never enabled him but I would tell it like it was. I think there were many nights where I really got through to him.
In the middle of February he asked me for a favor. I had no idea that he needed to go back in for a procedure for his heart that he had no one that he could ask to take him. I was honored of course but thought it was a bit strange that he would ask a person he had only actually met once to take him and be there with him for something like this but I couldn’t let him go alone so I said of course. We met again after that for coffee again and then caught a movie and we had a very nice day talking. We discussed at that time that we needed to follow through with this road trip idea. So we made plans.
One Saturday morning in late February I drove to his place and picked him up and we took a drive to the Coast. It was perfect weather out that day. We drove to Half Moon Bay and found a place on the beach to have lunch. This is when he really opened up to me about the situation with how sad he was to not see his children and how this woman was really tied to him. He would defend behavior she had that I thought was selfish and that she was not thinking of his needs at all. For some reason I was able to talk to him directly and he would listen even though he just could not let go. I started to realize this day that this man was definitely battling with depression.
After lunch we got my camera out of the car and we started down towards the beach. It was a great day and I actually saw him smile many times just like he felt relieved to be out there. We sat at one point and I took pictures and he just sat. There were moments that I could tell that bad thoughts would go through his head but then all of a sudden he would look over and smile and say “Thank you for bringing me.”
When we got back to the car I asked where he would like to go now and he asked that we take the long way home and we drove back to the town where he grew up and he showed me places he remembered as a teen and young adult. Then started talking about his days as a medic and how much he enjoyed that feeling of saving people. As we started to leave town and entered the freeway he got quiet. I gave him a few moments and then I asked him if there was something he needed to talk about. He just looked at me again and said, “Thank you. I didn’t think I could do this trip without having a panic attack.” It was at the time I realized there was much more going on than I had any knowledge of. We drove back to his place listening to old classic rock on the radio and just enjoying the wind blowing through the car.
We got to his place and he got out of the car and gave me a hug and said he was happy we did this and was happy to have me as a friend. I just smiled and told him that I was proud to be his friend and that I would text him as soon as I got home. Which I did and we of course watched an episode of “Burn Notice” and chatted about our day. He talked about the amazing Lobster Roll he had for lunch and that he wanted one again. I just laughed and said well then I guess we will need to do it again.
Time went on and we had many talks up to the day of his procedure at the end of March. I went and picked him up and drove him to the Hospital. I was still shocked that if this woman he kept telling me about was so amazing and that they loved each other why was I there and not her? Just kept telling me he didn’t want to worry anyone and didn’t want them to know. It never made sense to me but of course I just went. I went in to the room with him and it was like I was there with a family member and the doctor and nurses were asking questions and telling me how he needed to be taken care of once we left the hospital. Once the procedure was over we had to wait in the room for a while. I asked the nurse about some of the things that were happening to him recently and she said that it was very possible that they were side effects of the original procedure. The doctor came in and talked to us about the findings and they saw a small mass but they were hoping that it was not something they needed to be concerned with that it would just eventually pass. We had concern and discussed all this on the way to his place. He knew he had to take his medications but he was struggling and having trouble with work. I stayed with him for a few hours after to make sure he was ok and then I left him.
After his procedure, things started to get difficult, the depression got worse, he lost his job and had to get on unemployment, and he was struggling. I did what I could to give him the emotional support and we would get in arguments over texts because he was giving this woman money instead of paying for his own medicine or paying his own bills. Our conversations slowly started to cut-down to every other day and then a couple times a week and in early June I was rarely hearing from him. Then in mid June the messages stopped all together. I kept messaging but nothing. I just figured, well hoped, that he had found someone and was just too busy or that this new person in his life didn’t understand our friendship.
Then came July 9, 2013, the day I will remember forever. I messaged again, asking if he was ok. I waited and all of a sudden a message from his phone came. It was from the mother of his sons. “I have news. If you are comfortable calling me, you are welcome to do so.” Of course I called right away and was told the news that this friend had taken his own life on June 17, 2013. I somehow knew, but it hurt so much that I wasn’t there to help. His son’s mother proceeded to tell me that he had sent a letter to his Mother and in this letter he had talked about me and how he felt about our friendship and that I had been there for him and ask that she please get in touch with me and let me know somehow. She apologized for taking so long to get back with me but I completely understood. I thanked her and offered to help in any way I could and asked that she give his sons a message from me. “Please tell them their father loved them with all he had. The happiest times I saw in him were when he had them with him and when he would talk about them. Tell them that their father was very proud of them and wanted to be with them.” She thanked me for that and asked that we keep in touch. I hung up the phone and wept for a very long time.
It took me several months to forgive myself for allowing the conversations to taper off. I had to come to terms with the fact that this moment was going to happen. I just had the honor to share the days I did with this man. He taught me a lot about myself and life. I thank him for that and for opening my eyes to learning that you don’t have to physically connect with someone to be their friend. Communication is all some of us need and if you can be those words at the other end of the keyboard for someone and that is all they require from you…then is it really that difficult? Enjoy every moment you have with those around you whether it be a real friendship or a virtual one, it really doesn’t matter. The person on the receiving end is still a human being. Friends forever my dear friend, I will never forget you.
“The Fixer” is that person whom people seem to just be able to talk to. They don’t have to offer their help cause it is just who they are and people sense it. “The Fixer” just has this way of knowing what is wrong and has a way of reading people. They seem to just go with their instincts and people feel so comfortable opening up to them. “The Fixer” somehow is able to listen, analyze and turn around and give guidance without even knowing how.
All my life I have been “The Fixer”. I love helping others to work through things and find solutions. I thrive for the honor to help others find the answers they are looking for. I enjoy talking to people and listening to what they are going through in their lives and then working together to find the right path to take them on to their future.
When I was in high school I remember the day when another student that I had never met before come up to me at my locker and asked me if they could talk to me. I was a little taken back but I said, “of course, how can I help?” She proceeded to tell me of a problem she was having and I listen but also thinking to myself why would a stranger be talking to me about stuff this personal? When she finished telling me what she was dealing with she asked if I had any advice for her. I remember looking at her with compassion and talking to here about what I would suggest she do about the situation. I was amazed how after we talked for a bit how the look in her eyes seemed to change from sorrow to almost relief. As she started to walk away that day I stopped her and asked, “Why did you come to me with this?” She smiled and said because people always talked about me and how I was always very open-minded and caring and there was something in my smile and eyes that she just felt comfortable talking to me. This simple statement changed the way I saw myself, I realized that day that I needed to someday work with others somehow.
Some people see “The Fixer” as someone who takes on other people’s problems and hides from their own. I have never been that person. By helping others I open my eyes a little more to myself and allow myself to grow from these experiences. We can not all learn from each other if we truly listen and stop judging each other for our flaws and short-falls.
I have another friend that I met on a social media site that when we started chatting he was going through a tough time in his life and we started talking and I shared with him my B-A-B-Y-S-T-E-P-S process. I reminded him that he needed to take his time and not try to make rush decisions. We talked a lot about his situation and how he didn’t want to do the wrong thing for his son but he needed to be happy himself. I explained that if he just remembered B-A-B-Y-S-T-E-P-S it would all fall into place. We talk frequently and it is wonderful for me to hear how well he is doing on his own with his son now and they have a fantastic relationship and that is truly because he always put his son’s needs before his own. Most people would find it strange to get so close to people they have never met. Have over a year now of talking to this man we have never met in person but through out communications we have become friends. He is the first to point out that I had “The Fixer” personality. I truly did not know what that meant until then.
I have embraced “The Fixer” title and find it an honor to be able to connect with so many amazing people and to have a small part in helping them to get through difficult times and complicated decisions. I know I don’t have all the answers but I love being able to share my views and opinions with so many and play my part in guiding through tough and sometimes great moments in their lives.
I have been thinking a lot lately about why certain people seem to just “mesh” better than others. A friend sent me a link to a Personality Quiz and I was truly amazed how well it described me. The one part that I found to hit home the most were these two paragraphs:
“ESFPs love communicating with other people and can spend hours upon hours chatting about various topics. There is no clearer tell-tale of an ESFP than the fact that someone has just spent the last hour talking about everything but the topic that was supposed to be the main reason for the conversation. Not surprisingly, this personality type tends to be very popular in the company of extroverted types.
ESFP personalities live in the world of opportunities and savor the pleasures, dramas and ideas that life throws at them. They are immersed in a never-ending performance, trying to cheer other people up. ESFPs are extremely talented at making other people feel good and excited, and they enjoy this immensely. The earthly and often unique wit of ESFPs is a perfect symbol of their playfulness.”
When I read this I actually stopped and reread it again. These words truly seems to explain to me why I write this Blog and why I love to talk to so many different types of people.
Here is the link to the Quiz if you are interested to take it for yourself: www.16personalities.com
I have truly found this information enlightening and has made me realize we are all destined to be something. We just need to take the time to look inside ourselves and tap into our true calling. I firmly believe I am meant to be working with people and discussing my opinions openly. What are you meant to be doing? Are you following your dreams? Or are you just getting by?
As I sit here in my local Starbucks and start to write this post I have to ask myself…”How much Positive did you truly witness in the year of 2013?” We all seem to forget to focus our attention on the Negatives and the “What Ifs” and “What Nots”. In 2013, I decided to use my energy to focus on the Positives in my life. We all have rough days, but if we take that time to really dig deep and look for the good in your days you will find there are far more Positive moments than negative ones. The phrase “Positive Energy Brings Positive Results” truly started to make sense to me. Negative energy is a useless use of space in your life. It will suck the happiness out of you and for every negative thought you dwell on you take up space for multiple positive thoughts. I know the Positive thoughts feel much better and are much healthier too.
I will never say that I don’t have negative moments, but when I do I try to take a step back from it and evaluate it. Even the worst of events contain a small amount of good. I take time to find that in everything so that I can be sure to not allow that negative energy to fester and become a cancer in my life. Negative has a tendency to grow if left to its own. It will take over in your soul and I refuse to allow that to be what defines me. I have people that try to say that this way of living is crazy and that there is something wrong with it. I have actually been told “Yeah, You are weird that way now!!” I just laugh and say, “If being happy and positive is weird, I would prefer this feeling over negative and depressed any day.” Why would anyone ever choose negativity over positivity? Hmmm…The opportunity to smile and make others smile? Or be unhappy and down? I think I will continue to choose the smiles. 🙂
At the beginning of 2013 I started what I call a Positivity Jar and whenever I am having a tough day I force myself to look for the positive and I write it down and put it in the jar. I shared this idea with others and encouraged them all to do the same. Whenever I look at that almost full jar it makes me remember how many good things I have had in my life just this year. It sure makes me smile and I look forward to the last day of the year and going through and reading them all and then starting all over again in 2014.
There have been many changes for me this year and I believe everything happens for a reason. I will continue to look to 2014 as the year I make dreams come true and I hope that my writing will one day lead me to the Motivational Speaking I have wanted to do for so long and I hope that my words can be heard and help others from time to time. Thank you all for giving me this opportunity and I treasure each and every one of you that reads this post.
With Love,
Vix
vixtalks.com 
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