relationships
All posts tagged relationships
So many of us build walls in order to protect us from our past. The problem is that this actually can do the opposite and it can prevent us from moving toward our future. These walls that are meant to be made temporary and not allowed to encompass us entirely. All too often those who built these walls get comfortable behind them. They end up becoming trapped behind that which they built to protect them. It is natural to want to never be hurt again after you survive, but by projecting on to the world the acts of specific people or events all you do is close yourself off from the love and good that you should be allowing yourself. Do not allow yourself to remain the victim forever. Allow yourself the time and then be sure to start healing. The longer you build that wall the thicker it will become and the more difficult to tear down.
Is there such a thing as a “Plug n Play Relationship” out there? One where two people have exactly what each other are made for without any modifications at all? I say “NO”, and that is perfectly okay. The problem is that people expect each other to be who they are today and remain that person for the rest of their lives. Or the other happens, and they are upset because they do not “changed” the way they expect them to. We change every single day and unless the two people change in the exact same way at the exact same pace they will never be the same to each other down the road. Then people get upset at each other for not being who they were and that is unreasonable. None of us are the same people we were yesterday much less 10, 20, 50 years from now. You either accept the person each of you have become or you accept that you are not compatible as you once were and you agree to part ways. There is no such thing as the “Plug n Play Relationship” that just continues to fit perfectly over and over. Be okay with that and communicate with each other. The worse thing you can do is hide the fact that your wants and desires have changed over time, or try to be something that someone else wants you to be and then find later you can’t be that. Resentment then sets in and one or both parties feel they have been misled as to who you are. Nothing is Plug n Play so just be yourself and be open with yourself and those around you as to your weaknesses and flaws. Once you are able to acknowledge them you are able to work on them and being open with others will have the opportunity to work with you or decide if they like you only as you are or they want they same thing for you and will help you to grow. Never expect that Plug n Play is what you want, because you have to know things today are not as they will be tomorrow. Be ready to adapt and there may not be an adapter for everyone in your life when change happens.
I recently reread the following article “Here’s Why You’re Having Bad Sex” and wanted to share my thoughts on it with you. First take a moment to read through his article and then come back and I will continue…See you back soon! www.attn.com/stories/4597/nev-schulman-casual-sex-tips?utm_source=nevschulman&utm_medium=fbpost&utm_campaign=influencer by Nev Schulman
Welcome Back! Hope you enjoyed the article. Now here are my thoughts, first of all let me say that I feel that society needs to back the hell off this hypocrisy that men can have sex as often or with whomever they want but women can only do it when they are in a committed relationship. If a woman feels she can emotionally handle the ramifications of having casual sex with multiple partners that is absolutely her decision. However, she has to accept that men and women are just built differently. Even when you think you can control your emotions, actually you have no control of them whatsoever. You may end up feeling empty and alone after you have a one night stand and beating yourself up. Now you are totally confused because you probably didn’t really like the guy past just attraction and lust. You are going to battle with yourself because your hormones may not know the difference. Hormones are going to elevate and get you questioning your initial thoughts. You are also going to start worrying what others are going to think of you. Let me say right now…WHO GIVES A SHIT!! No one but you lives your life and if you made the choice it is your choice to live with. No one else has the right to judge you for it. My hope is that one day society will accept that Sex is Healthy for both genders. We both deserve to get these benefits and not feel guilty for it.
As for men and casual sex, I can honestly say I have seen a change in the way men in my age group view casual sex. Some are all about the casual and then just don’t know how to stop the desire for something new and stopping that feeling of they might miss out on something great if they stop with just one. They worry they will meet a freak in the sheets and then once they commit and become exclusive that freak will do the stereotypical, shutdown and start using sex to control them. This is what has to stop. Why do we as women feel it is right for us to use sex as a weapon instead of accepting it as a reward for both of us?
Be sure you are enjoying sex with your partner. That is truly what matters in the end. If you truly love having sex with your partner you will want to find time for the two of you whenever you possibly can have it. Keep that spark and it can be forever. No your relationship isn’t all about sex but SEX is an important glue in the intimacy of your relationship. Without intimacy, love will fizzle and potentially one partner, or both, will start looking for that spark elsewhere. If you truly love your partner make sure you keep those passion embers HOT.
When money gets mistaken for love we really need to adjust our mindset! Money is great to pay the bills and buy material items but when we think it is more important than our self-respect we have to sit back and adjust our value in ourselves! If we start thinking money equals security even we are lost as well! How much are each of us worth? Are diamonds and furs truly important? Can we take them with us when we die? Will people remember us for them? If those people are only focused on that are they going to be there if that money were to suddenly be gone? With that said make sure we need to be focused on making memories and sharing ourself with those who love us and don’t honestly give a shit about how much we are financially worth but how we make them feel just being in our life! We can’t get love from a piece of paper or plastic! They don’t give hugs and can’t tell us they love us when we are just in need of that!
What an amazingly strong word for five letters. Trust is a word that all too often is so difficult to define but so utterly important in all types of relationships. To me the word trust has five components to it: Truth, Respect, Understanding, Strength, and Teamwork. Without this in our relationships we feel insecurity and weakness and this can breakdown any type of relationship over time. Building trust takes time and can be knocked over in a matter of a few moments if the foundation isn’t solid. Take pride in who you are and be sure that if you are requiring TRUST you give it in return. We are all equal and deserve to be treated as such especially in our relationships.
Even in a healthy loving relationship there can be moments of weakness. The important thing is open communication between one another. When I say “open communication” I mean, OPEN!! Each of you have to feel safe talking to one another about any thoughts you many have. Often in relationships one partner or the other considers cheating because over time their likes and needs change and they worry if they tell their partner they won’t accept it. Insecurities are a strong emotion and it can hurt a relationship without either partner knowing the other is dealing with it. If we truly love and accept one another we should be open to each others fantasies as well. Make sure your partner knows that you love them and you won’t judge them. I recommend that you open the communication that allows each other to feel they can voice your individual fantasies as though you were cheating with your partner. Talk openly with them as if they were a stranger at times and you are telling them things they never knew. Strangely at times it is the excitement that is needed in someone. If you role play and act as though you are dating for the very first time and that you have to keep it quiet or your partner (who is actually this person of course) will find out. Often people cheat only because they want to feel that excitement of a new relationship or to have someone to just listen to them and give them undivided attention so the feel heard. You may not agree with this thought process but from my experience with married people online, the two common things I hear is that they aren’t connected sexually with their partner (male and female) and that they just can’t communicate and tell them the fantasies they have for fear of them not understanding. As I said, Cheat with your Partner and allow them to tell you their inner fantasies no matter how intense. If you two can’t discuss these things and come to a common agreement how can you have passion and true connection. Get out there and Cheat With Your Partner and Be each other’s fantasies!
The greatest thing about sex should be the exploration of one another’s likes and dislikes, fantasies and fears, passions and forbiddens. When you first get into a relationship you need to not allow past sexual experiences to dictate what you like and don’t like. What you didn’t like with one person may absolutely be the best thing you have ever experienced, with another partner. Don’t ever close your mind to the exploration. When you start discussing sex don’t ever ask “So what is your favorite position!” If you have never been with each other, how can either of you know what will and won’t work for you as partners. Enjoy the exploration and open your mind to the possibilities of expanding that exploration to things you may never have wanted to try before. You just never know what the two of you may uncover together.
When you are in a relationship and you trust your partner but want to spice things up a bit, you have got to discuss the option of role play with your partner. The level of role play you take on is totally up to the two of you. It must be understood and agreed upon up front that the detail of this time is never to be discussed with anyone but the two of you. This is how trust is built and how freedom is established. Role Play can be used as a way to enhance the intimacy and explore each other’s inner fantasies. It is a time where each of you can find out the thoughts that pass through each other’s minds. Now this means that as women you have to be understanding and accepting of the ideas, but it does not mean you have to participate if you are not both comfortable. The lines of communication must be opened first. You should each sit down together and talk about your basic fantasies to start off with. These are the things you try first to start to build the trust and open the lines of communication. As you both get more and more comfortable you can start to get a little more adventurous, but remember it has to be something that you are both comfortable with before you try it. It has to be a time to bond and explore not just fulfill the other partner’s fantasy. Especially in the beginning. You need to agree and then gradually expand together as you are both comfortable and confident. Role Play is a great tool to use when you get to a point in your relationship when you are taking each other for granted or not taking the time for one another. You can plan a date night to start off with and meet one another at a restaurant, a bar, a park, etc. and meet there as though it is the first meeting and flirt and pick each other up. Make it exciting. Fuel that fire that you should have inside of you, no matter how deep. If you don’t have that you will have to build it. A healthy relationship has fire and passion. Don’t take one another for granted and make sure you tell one another regularly what it is that draws you to them. A person needs to hear the good things and by role playing you are able to show one another what you want and make it fun.
Get ready for it…
I’m working to take VixTalks to Video. I will be giving advice to letters I receive here on my AskVix Page, Facebook, email and of course Live!!
Bring it…
Need a Pep Talk?
Need Motivation to take life to the next level?
Have questions about Special Needs Advocacy?
Have relationship questions?
Want to expand your sex life?
Just need a friend’s advice about everyday life?
I’m ready to “Talk,” so bring on the questions and we’ll take them Live or if you prefer, in private messages. Let’s have fun and find that Positivity and Inspiration we all need. HUGS ~Vix~
We all start out life a larva and continue to grow. We live our lives as a caterpillar for many years to find who we are inside before we then wrap ourselves in a cocoon of our own love. When we emerge we are each a Beautiful Butterfly! You have to love yourself first!
I am asked quite often if I am a religious person. I am spiritual more than religious. I believe I have a reason for being here and there is a higher guiding force that I have no concept truly of. I know that things happen in our lives that we have no control of and we need to learn from them, the good and the not so good. We all have our own ways of acknowledging this force and I will never tell you or anyone else what the best way to live your life is for you. I believe that my thoughts are heard and that if I take the time to actually listen, then they are guided and often answered. You may call this prayer but whatever label you put on it it is my way. I know that I am heard regardless off being in a specific building with others listening to people who have words of wisdom to share regularly. What is spoken is up to you to translate. Every person in that building can hear the exact same words but each take away a little different meaning.
Don’t judge others for their beliefs. We all process things differently and if organized religion is your way to tap into your higher force, you have my support and encouragement. All I ask in return is that you respect my choice to believe that my higher power hears me just as well as yours. I can be out in nature at the river or the ocean or just sitting in my room and if I take the time to ask for guidance and then wait and listen for the answer,I will get it. It may not be immediate but it will happen.
This topic was prompted by a conversation that my girlfriend and I were having the other night. We hear about men having blue balls when they get worked up sexually and then are not given an outlet to relieve themselves right? Is this really something that only happens to men? I really don’t believe it is. I think women get what I guess I will call “Red Ovaries” as we get hot and ready to explode. Urban Dictionary calls it “The Blue Bean”:)
I mean come on now, I know some females that are passionate and get aroused the same as men and it may not be “painful” like the pressure in a man’s testicles but let me tell you from experience that if a woman gets herself really worked up it is painful and very emotional. Haha Those women that actually allow themselves to enjoy the release of an orgasm who are brought right to the edge and not given the release, I have witnessed that it is very emotional and can even be painful in I am sure a different way.
I am no doctor so I am not sure what the medical reason is but I thought it was kind of interesting when my girlfriend and I were talking and she made a comment that she gets left hot and bothered like a male and I realized it wasn’t just my inner Vixen, it is other women as well. This is not only the “The Blue Bean” as described in Urban Dictionary cause that is only over stimulation of the clitoris without release, which in itself is damn painful. The feeling I am referring to is actually internal in the area of the Ovaries hence “Red Ovaries!”
So, guys it’s not just you, sorry!! You just are more visual than we are so you get worked up a bit easier than we do. You have to take the time to stimulate our minds and our bodies. When you do…Oh My!!!
Have you taken time recently to listen to your inner voice? I believe we all have the power within us to solve problems that are thrown our way but we often allow pride, or guilt or stubbornness to get in the way of finding our answers.
Not all the answers are what we think we want to hear either. I have started to trust my instincts, or what I call my Inner Voice, much more these das. In doing so I feel so much more at peace. I am not saying it is perfect cause hey I still second guess myself, but more times than not when I do the outcome is not the best one.
I recently listened to the book, “Writing Down Your Soul: How to Activate and Listen to the Extraordinary Voice Within” by Janet Conner. I was overwhelmed at times during the book how much of what she was saying in the book is the practice I had learned to do with my blog. She recommends writing daily but that is more in Journal format. I have done similar work with writing thoughts I have inside me on this blog and I am amazed at time when I surrender myself to the words how easily they come. At times I am not sure where the words are truly coming from.
Open yourself up to You Own Inner Voice and see what they have been trying to tell you. You may be amazed like I was on the insight you have buried and often blocked inside you. We are all created equal so we all have these gifts that sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to accept.
This one is for my fellow Control Freaks of the World…We have to STOP trying to Control The World and focus on Controlling Ourselves. By having to be in control at all times we sabotage our futures. We have to learn to let things work out as they are intended and not have to make them happen. I have had some experiences lately that have opened my eyes to this and I may have sabotaged some potentially great things for my future by doing it. All I can do now is take these experiences and learn from them and in return share this knowledge with you. Having the world in the palm of our hand is not the same as controlling it. We need to focus our minds on what it is we truly desire and allow that to happen and not force it to happen. Key here is to “Allow” your future!!
When it comes to relationships I think sometimes we want someone to like us so badly, we become something completely opposite of who we are. Then what we often realize is, we run that person off because we are now not who that person was initially attracted to. Once you cross that line it is very hard to take that back. All we can do is take a step back, look at what has happened and learn from that and say to ourself, “I am me and I need to stop trying so hard to make things happen. You are not always able to control the outcome. Accept that and enjoy the ride. No matter how quick or slow it is.” I hope that by acknowledging the mistake you can resurrect the real you and remember in the future that you can not Control The World…You Can Only Control Yourself!!
While sitting in a Senior High School Class listening to a couple guest speakers talk about their son being molested by their babysitter, I had an unusual feeling of understanding come over me that I somehow knew the pain and confusion this child must have been feeling. Feeling that no one understood what you were dealing with and the deep ache to rid yourself of an unknown secret. I really didn’t know why I had these feelings, but I sat in that classroom almost in tears and amazement on how these people were talking so freely about this traumatic event in their son’s life. Luckily this was the last real class I had that day because I was not able to focus on anything but the words these people talked about and how they were very clear that this is not the “Victims” fault that these people do these things. They also explained that if we knew anyone who had or was being hurt by someone we needed to speak up and not allow them to continue to make that person or yourself the victim any longer.
I walked around in a fog most of the rest of the afternoon and into the evening. I had trouble going to sleep that night with strange thoughts running through my head. Once I finally fell asleep I was restless and the next thing I knew I awoke screaming, “NO! STOP! YOU’RE HURTING ME!” The memories came flooding back to a horrible night in my life that I had somehow blocked from my subconscious. It was now back and I was never going to forget it again.
I had been molested with inappropriate touching and actions by a man close to our family. He made threats that I would be hurt or that my family wouldn’t believe me if I were to even tell them. This went on for several years and I just allowed this man to treat me like my feelings meant nothing. At age 12, I finally got the courage to stand up to this man and tell him “NO” and that I wouldn’t allow him to treat me like that ever again.
I thought that everything was going to stop and that I had finally been able to take control until I went to sleep that night. I awoke to the most excruciating pain and my head being forced into a pillow. I was on my stomach and I couldn’t move and at times could barely breathe while this grown man raped me and said horrible words to me while shoving my head further in the pillow so I couldn’t scream. I must have blacked out because I don’t remember anything after that.
From that day forward I was a different young lady. I went from being very outgoing and high spirited, to a tomboy and guarded. I wore clothing that didn’t flatter me as to not attract males. I became just one of the guys in my group of friends and started pushing those who were close to me away so that I couldn’t be hurt like that again. I didn’t speak of that night because I just remembered him telling me that no one was going to believe me. I eventually completely blocked it from my memory as a way to protect myself. I also felt there must have been something I had done to deserve this and that maybe I done something to encourage him. He made me a victim and by allowing that I empowered him.
This all came back to me 5 years later, yes I blocked this horrible event out of my memory for 5 years and all it did was tear me up from the inside and created insecurities and depression that I could not truly understand. I had thoughts of suicide and the feeling of just being completely alone and misunderstood. Once this all came back to me I decided I would never keep silent about it again. I pulled myself together and wrote it all down in an anonymous letter to the class, we had a drop box that was in the room that we could put questions in and the class would give their opinions and advice. I didn’t hold anything back in that letter, well nothing but my name of course. I asked if they could help me to determine what I needed to do next to overcome this and how I could stop from being this victim and now take control of my life, once again.
When I got to school that morning I dropped the letter in the box while no one was in the class and proceeded with my school day feeling a bit of the burden I had carried so long, lifted from me. When I arrived to class that afternoon the teacher was standing at the front of the class with his stool and asked everyone to please take their seats. I knew what was about to happen. We all sat down and he sat on his stool and proceeded to tell the class that he had something very serious to read to them and that their help was very important. I gathered all the strength I had in me and listened to the words read back to me that I had written that morning. It all truly became reality at that moment. There was no going back.
After the teacher read the letter he looked to the class for their words of wisdom and guidance. I continued to not show signs that the letter was from me and I even asked and answered questions. These students were so helpful and they didn’t even know that the person who wrote those words was me. We discussed how this is something that is history and by continuing to allow it to fester was only hurting me and holding me back from my future. They talked about how this is not something I did or could have stopped. We discussed that my taking a stand was a good thing even though it caused this to escalate. This was the man’s burden to bare not mine.
After class let out I walked up to the front of the class to talk to the teacher as I did every day. He looked at me and asked me how I thought he and the class had done with the letter. I responded, “You did great!” He said, “You think so?” I looked him in the eyes and said, “It helped a lot!” His eyes changed and started to fill with tears. “I didn’t know,” he said, with the tears starting to flow. I looked at him and said, “I know that is why you helped so much.” If he would have known it was me he may have not been so open about his responses. He gave me a hug and for the first time in many years felt the warmth in another person’s hugs without being scared.
I will leave this story with this for now and will continue with stories that came from me deciding that I was not going to continue to be the victim of this man and that I would never be silent about it again. All being silent did was hurt me and the negativity of the secret was like a cancer in me and was just spreading and once I refused to allow it anymore my life changed. I won’t tell you it was always perfect after that day but it was the strength that I pulled from and continue to pull from today when things get rough.
In closing, don’t read this post and pity me for what happened in my past. My past is my foundation and what made me the strong independent person I am today. I want to share this story so that maybe I can reach others that are going through, or have gone through, similar times. Maybe, just maybe, you can see that you are not alone and you too can find the strength to be “THE VICTIM NO MORE”.
~Vix~
Have you ever thought that the pain and hurt we feel due to past relationships gone wrong or actually being hurt by others in our past are some what like what they call “Phantom Pains” in those that have lost limbs? I know this sounds a little far fetch but let’s think about this. If you were in a relationship and you were hurt and you severed those ties, isn’t it similar in a strange way? When you lose a limb you have extreme pain and then loss and then it is said that you experience Phantom pains in the limb. So is it so strange to have similar pains when you sever relationship ties? You have had potentially extreme pain and you have now lost a part of your life that you felt was another limb of sorts. After you are away and you start realizing you are living without that part of your life you tend to relive that pain from time to time and may even project that on to others in your present. You can start to react to this “Phantom Pain” by treating those around you as you would like to have handled the past. You need to acknowledge that the Past is exactly that and that your future does not include that “limb” so now you have to LIVE your new life and not allow what caused you to lose that “limb” to impact you so that you don’t potential lose future “limbs” for the same reasons. You make better choices, you look deeper inside yourself to know what is hurting you before it becomes so bad that you can go back and reverse the damages done. I know this analogy is not perfect but I do see very similar traits in how we analyze the loss and I thought maybe, just maybe, this would help others to remember that when we lose something there is a purpose and now is the time to stop being the victim of it and realize that you have a new life that you need to find your purpose in and love yourself in. Don’t allow the problem to spread to your future and grow as a person from the mistakes that you may have made. I hope this helps you to look at your current relationships a little deeper and make sure that you are treating them as something. Stop being the victim of what others may have done to you and learn to live from those experiences.
This topic is close to my heart. I feel very strongly about the need for Security and Independence in one’s life. If you are always thinking you are not a good enough for those around you all you do in return is tear down the others in order to boost yourself and we all know that isn’t healthy. You have to dig deep inside you when you are criticizing other around you or controlling them by making them feel guilty for wanting things you may not.
I am often amazed by people who are insecure. You wouldn’t expect most of them to have anything to be insecure about. Some are very attractive, have great jobs, are very social, have great families, etc. what in the world would they have to be insecure about you may think. Insecurities cannot always be explained. We all see ourselves differently when we look in the mirror. It could be our pasts, our choices we have made that we aren’t happy about, our unexplored dreams lost, and many more things. We all have our wants and desires for ourselves that we let become insecurities at times. The key is to not allow those to impact us negatively. Take those insecurities and grow from them and learn about ourselves deeper. Never allow your insecurities to be an excuse to tear others down or control those around you so that you feel more in control. We all need our independence and self-identity. If you feel that it takes someone else or others to do this for you then you truly need to take step back and reassess yourself. By allowing this to impact those around you will only tear apart your relationships and in the end it could actually become a self-fulfilled prophecy. If you are accusing others of maybe cheating or wanting a life without you more, then in time if you continue to plant that seed when that other person finally has enough that prophecy will be fulfilled and you will very likely be left alone and you will try to blame that person when in reality you need to look at yourself and realize you pushed them to it.
Take time for you to find yourself and love yourself. Never have people in your life because you can’t live without them. You should have people in your life because they enhance your life and being around them just increases your happiness. When we make people our “everything” we end up putting way to much pressure on that person to be perfect and in time they will not feel they can ever really be what you expect. Be happy with who you are and always find your positives in your life, because very often things can be far worse than they are today and if you take a moment to analyze your situation you will realize that there are many positives to be thankful for. Love yourself first and the rest will fall into place.
I think we all make a mistake when we focus too much on pleasing everyone we meet. Our focus should be on making ourselves happy and in the end we shouldn’t be trying to turn “Many” Heads but should truly focus on find the Right One. Never settle for second best. If it doesn’t feel Perfect then don’t waste your time or the other person’s. Be happy in your life and remember at the end of the day the “Right One” is out there. If you settle for the wrong one you will miss out.
Just a little VixTalk opinion of the day:
Do you ever wonder why people cheat? I have noticed in the past couple years that more people consider cheating than I ever realized. There are many reason why I believe people take the leap from fantasizing about being with another person to actually crossing the line and engaging in intimacy with another person other than their significant other. I will not justify the actually crossing of this line but I will only acknowledge that I can at time understand why someone would even consider it.
One primary reason I have heard from men is that it is against Human nature for a man to be monogamous. Men are made to spread to procreate I am told. They were never meant to be with only one woman. I am not sure I buy into this but I do understand that it is easy to get bored in a relationship if is allowed to smolder and not fanned to keep the fire burning.
Another reason I hear is the one I have spoken of in previous posts. There often becomes a time in a relationship that one partner or the other decides to withhold sex as punishment from their significant other. This happens with both sexes but I see women withholding much more often than men. I will admit there was a time in my life where I thought I understood this method, but all this does is deprive both parties. Sex is a great way to relieve stress and build intimacy between two people. During those times where you would think you might hold back should really be the time where you insist on it. It creates a bond, releases stress, and boosts the confidence of both parties.
Yet another reason I have notice is the loss of attraction for one another. This I firmly believe happens primarily because of a lack of communication between the two parties. If one person loses the spark for the other they need to be able to discuss this with the other so that they may work together to determine how they can rekindle that spark. If the person just keeps this to them self in fear of hurting the other’s feelings and they chose to just go out and find the spark elsewhere, in the end don’t they end up hurting them both?
If a relationship is going to last both partners need to be willing to work together to be each other’s fantasy. You both have your daily lives and have work and children possibly to manage but you have to also remember to take time for each other to communicate what is missing and what is also working in your intimacy. If one partner is in need for spice then role play is a great way to give them a taste of that without having to have them go out searching for it. You need to be each other’s fantasies in the bedroom. Men, this does not only go for your women. If you expect your woman to be your fantasy you need to take the time to find out exactly what it is she fantasizes about as well. Instead of searching outside your partnership, create the fantasy inside it and “cheat” with each other from time to time. Enjoy each other.
I have noticed more and more, lately how many people tend to live in secrecy due to the fear of showing their true desires, addictions or even their feelings for fear of hurting others. We tend to justify the lies and deceit by saying that it is out of love and affection for the others in our lives. I wonder how much of that is true and how much of it is because we just don’t want to face the truth that we are just plain selfish and we want it all. I have spoken to many people that are living double lives, especially online. Many people living a fantasy life while putting on the happy face at home and put on the facade that everything is perfect and they are happy. Is this fair to anyone involved? These people are not being true to themselves or those involved with them.
We say we tell these “little white lies” to protect others that are happy with things the way they are, but are they truly happy? They are being deceived and manipulated. They are often being put into a situation they are not going to want to deal with the consequences of if the truth comes out and they don’t even know. What right does one person have to make that decision for another person?
Let me use the example of someone who is married and has an addiction to cyber-fantasy. They live a very conservative real world life but are not sexually satisfied by their partner. They find that they receive sexual gratification online and that it would only hurt their partner by being honest with them since their partner is very happy with their life together. Now let’s say the unsatisfied partner decides to start interacting with people online and making choices that if found out could completely devastate the other partner and their way of life. Is it fair of this unsatisfied partner to make this decision for them both? I am constantly amazed by the choices people make online because they don’t have to immediately answer to the consequences of their actions and they justify it because they are not physically doing anything with the other people. I agree they are not physically doing anything wrong but if you know that your partner, family or your friends are going to possibly be hurt if this information is found out is it fair for you to take that chance with all those people’s lives?
I, myself, have had times in my life that I felt that keeping my wants and needs to myself to protect others, was the only option. You tend to truly lose yourself and can become very lost. The longer you hide your true self, the more damage is done to you and to those around you. When you finally can’t take it anymore and you are either found out or your just can’t do it anymore. You then are not only hurting those you were trying to protect by being honest but when they find out that you were deceiving them all that time you break their trust and cause those involved to question everything you have ever told them.
If you know you have a problem and you need help or just aren’t being satisfied in your life the best advice I can give is get the help you need to have the strength to confront your inner demons and find a way to stop living in secrecy. Be true to yourself and accept yourself as you are so that those around you will be able to accept you as well. If you don’t like yourself, you are right neither are those around you. If you believe your wants and desires are bad or even a little insane, then maybe instead of hiding and doing these things in secrecy get the professional help you need to get to the root of the problem and face yourself.
Here goes a touchy subject for some people. I have noticed that I tend to get a lot of attention from Married Guys. I believe this is because I love to talk to people and I try not to pass judgment. I have a strict rule that I have no problem talking to them but there will never be anything more than that. My rule is that I don’t mess around with “other people’s property” without their permission. It honestly doesn’t have anything to do with the morality of the act of an affair for me. That is on the person that makes the decision to cheat. My thing is that I feel when you make a commitment to another person then you both agree at that time to “belong” to each other. Now don’t get me wrong this does not mean the other person “owns” the other. This just means that you have agreed that you want to be with that person. Whatever choices the two people make in your relationship with regards to seeing other people, that is between them. If they chose to have an open relationship and allow each other to see other people that is their choice. People have their needs and if they cannot be met with their partner and their partner agrees that they can seek those needs elsewhere, I do not see where it is anyone else’s business to judge that. However, if one of the parties does not communicate these needs and get the others approval to seek them elsewhere this is when it becomes a problem. An open line of communication needs to be constant in any mature relationship. I have seen open relationships work when two people are secure with themselves and don’t get insecure. I truly don’t believe there are many people out there that are that secure with themselves or their partners. If you feel the need to stray be sure you remember the commitment you made and that you do “belong” to that person. You are their property and if you chose to give yourself to another that person is using someone else’s property without their consent so in legal means they would be stealing their property. If you are missing something in your relationship be sure to communicate it. A mature open line of communication will ensure misunderstandings in the end.
I have been thinking a lot lately about why certain people seem to just “mesh” better than others. A friend sent me a link to a Personality Quiz and I was truly amazed how well it described me. The one part that I found to hit home the most were these two paragraphs:
“ESFPs love communicating with other people and can spend hours upon hours chatting about various topics. There is no clearer tell-tale of an ESFP than the fact that someone has just spent the last hour talking about everything but the topic that was supposed to be the main reason for the conversation. Not surprisingly, this personality type tends to be very popular in the company of extroverted types.
ESFP personalities live in the world of opportunities and savor the pleasures, dramas and ideas that life throws at them. They are immersed in a never-ending performance, trying to cheer other people up. ESFPs are extremely talented at making other people feel good and excited, and they enjoy this immensely. The earthly and often unique wit of ESFPs is a perfect symbol of their playfulness.”
When I read this I actually stopped and reread it again. These words truly seems to explain to me why I write this Blog and why I love to talk to so many different types of people.
Here is the link to the Quiz if you are interested to take it for yourself: www.16personalities.com
I have truly found this information enlightening and has made me realize we are all destined to be something. We just need to take the time to look inside ourselves and tap into our true calling. I firmly believe I am meant to be working with people and discussing my opinions openly. What are you meant to be doing? Are you following your dreams? Or are you just getting by?
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